“I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.” -Mark Twain
My therapist recommended I try a counseling group that focuses on behaviors and emotions, and I went to my first session last week. It’s only been a week as I write this, but it’s been insightful thus far. Our first assignment is to practice mindfulness because it is helpful when it comes to reducing suffering, increasing control of your mind, and experiencing reality as it is.
Unfortunately, this assignment has gone to the wayside a bit since my dad had to go to the ER last week and spent three nights at the hospital. That would’ve been a prime time to practice meditating because I was consumed with anxiety and the thoughts I used to have after my cousin passed resurfaced…I was experiencing very intense emotions. I tried working out in the morning, which did help a little bit but…I didn’t deal with my emotions sufficiently I guess. It all blew up in my face a couple of hours later when my mom was nagging me to text my aunt. I erupted and we got into a dramatic fight…and she stormed out of the house. Then I yelled at my sister until I finally broke down and cried uncontrollably.
Anyway…I forgot about this assignment but I will work on it every day going forward because practicing mindfulness would help regulate my mood swings.
I have practiced yoga twice in the last two weeks, which is a method for practicing mindfulness though. I watched the Yoga with Adrienne videos that my good friend, Lana, recommended on her site. I think I would rather learn the moves enough to do it on my own but for now, watching the videos and following along has been a little helpful.
Thankfully, my dad is doing pretty well and he’s home from the hospital, so my anxiety surrounding medical issues and death has decreased. Instead, I’ve been having a lot of anxiety about my future. I think as far ahead as a year from now, which is ridiculous because then I miss out on enjoying the present moment.
Continue reading “Practicing Mindfulness”
Draw the blade over my quivering, pale flesh
Redness emerges between the folds
Increasing in volume as the seconds tick away
Until the needle and thread poke through and crosses the divide
Patching me up,
Fixing me of all that is wrong-
And making it right
© 2017 Vic Romero
First poem of the year…More creative pieces coming soon.
Have you ever learned something new about someone and then spend hours and hours reflecting on old memories and things they did or said that seemed weird to you just…make more sense? Or now you have a greater understanding of who they truly are?
The other day, my girlfriend opened up to me more about her past and…I’ve been reflecting on memories I have with her. My opinion about her hasn’t changed but…I feel closer to her because I feel like I know her a little better than before. And before I felt like I knew her pretty well so…it’s intense I guess. Intense in a good way.
Continue reading “Absolutely Wonderful”
This is the first self-care post!
If you’ve read any of the three posts I’ve written since I returned from my hiatus, you would understand that I’ve been overwhelmed by heavy emotions and that I’ve been taking measures to improve my mood and well-being. I’m currently on summer break and although I’m working two part-time jobs, they are jobs I can do from home and I have flexible hours so I have been able to ensure that I’m making self-care my priority!
Methods that I’ve taken to improve my well-being include working out, writing, and cooking.
I won’t be delving too much into my workout because I’m still trying to consistently go to the gym. For two weeks I went twice a week and last week I went three times, so now I’m trying to go three times this week too. I go for about 20-30 minutes…I want to eventually increase the sessions. Otherwise, there’s nothing noteworthy about my workout (yet).
I’m not going to explore the writing method because I share all my publishable writing on here; therefore, I will solely be exploring cooking in these posts! If I start getting into another type of self-care habit, I will definitely share it with y’all but in the meantime…I’ll only be talking about food.
Continue reading “Becoming a Food Network Star”
June has been quite eventful thus far: I saw The 1975 with my friend for the second time on the first. Then that friend flew out to Illinois which is where she is moving for her first full-time job. My girlfriend volunteered to pick me up from the train station two towns away from my hometown after the concert, we got pulled over by cops for a non-functioning taillight, and then…because it was so late in the evening and the drive back to her house was far, she crashed at my house. This in itself isn’t significant…she practically lives with me when I’m in my apartment at school. What made it significant to me though was that we were in my family’s house…and I lied to them.
Continue reading “Anxious”
“I’m not just taking trips down memory lane; I’m broken down on it.”
-Pete Wentz, Gray
Ever since I posted my most recent blog, I’ve been reflecting a ton on my past. I read through nearly every post on here, which is around 400 posts, and I’ve been going through old photos…I usually wouldn’t think too much of it but all this reflecting has been keeping me up at night. So…I just wanted to comment on what I’ve been thinking about.
I’ve been thinking about coming out again which caused me to reflect on my journey that led up to it as well as what transpired after I came out the first time. (Speaking of which, I wrote this interesting creative piece with an analysis about it for a class last fall. I will share it here eventually). I’ve been thinking about my previous relationship, friendships…and how my relationship with people that are still in my life, family included, have changed. I’ve been thinking about my senior year in high school, how I want my senior year in undergrad to go, and about what I want to do after I graduate.
None of these things are bad thoughts…but it’s a lot of thinking and it’s impacting my focus on the responsibilities that I have now and how I feel throughout the day. I’m worried, anxious, I brood…I’ve had enough. Especially because these thoughts keep me up until 3am and I can’t continue to have these sleepless nights.
Anyway…I hope by tonight or tomorrow I will be able to resume my life in the present…no more trips down memory lane for me.
Also, a good update: my stitches are out and the lab results are fine! I have another doctor’s appointment tomorrow at a new place because the current office I’ve been going to has an awful environment. I’ve only spoken to the people at the new place on the phone but they’re already significantly more pleasant!
Which reminds me of a theme that is apparent in my writing that I’ve noticed since I’ve been rereading it all: don’t accept where you are if you are unhappy. Right now, after this brutal semester, I feel pretty happy. I’ve been productive, social, and working on myself. I’m a little stressed about what’s to come, but I don’t want to focus too much on that anyway. I want to focus more on the present…take it day by day.
I’m bored with all of the books I’ve been trying to read and with all of the shows I want to watch so I decided it was about time to come on here and write again. So…yeah..I’m ending my Fall-Out-Boy-esque-hiatus now. My hiatus was not five years nor did I release an underrated, killer record before going on break and then proceed to get married, launch a solo career, or have children during my hiatus…but this has been the longest break I’ve taken from writing on here, and in general, since…my sophomore or junior year in high school. It’s a little unfortunate I didn’t write because I like to document my life, thoughts, and feelings…but everything seemed so…heavy at the time and the idea of writing anything…I didn’t perceive it as therapeutic.
During the last month or so, however, I have been documenting random thoughts/feelings into a journal by hand to at least get them out there and then I would organize them into the different Bullet Journal prompts I had going.
Anyway! I am going to resume writing again. I’ve been having an urge to write creatively over the last week or so…hopefully I can do some of that because I miss that. In the meantime, I’ll blog a bit about what’s going on and I’ll start with an update since a bunch has been going on!
Continue reading “Save Rock and Roll (Save Myself)”