Getting Naked

Almost a year ago, I decided to try online dating.

I had no business being online…I wasn’t looking for a relationship, and at the time I was jailbait since I was a minor.

Regardless, I made an account…it was Christmas Eve.  I was at a state of depression and hopelessness I had never felt before.  I had lost all my friends the year before…some weren’t really friends though.  But anyway…I was lonely.  The two friends that remained suffered from depression…one was hospitalized  and the other on medication.  I was doing my best to help them out, but my feelings were…being neglected…because they had enough shit to deal with on their own.

The feelings that consumed my head regarded my loneliness…but also my sexuality.  I had been questioning it for about two years, which was when I uprooted myself from organized religion and when I began to develop feelings for a close friend, whom I’m no longer friends with because I was so embarrassed by how I felt.

I wasn’t sure who to talk to, and I felt uncomfortable talking about it.  I still feel uncomfortable talking about it.

So last December I did some research and found a great YouTube channel that was informative about sexuality.   It led me to a specific online dating site.

I joined the site because I wanted to talk to someone that was lesbian or bisexual to…see how I felt.  To explore my sexuality and maybe…hopefully, find answers.

But I lost sight of my purpose for being on the site as months passed (the girls were mean so I stopped bothering with them), and I only reached out to guys to “satisfy my emotional needs.”

The whole “online dating” experience fucked my emotions up more than they were before…it was terrible.  I was on the site all the time…then I would delete my account because I was so frustrated.   But then I would feel an urge to go back and make another one.

I felt addicted to it.

I think I felt that way because my reality was skewed….the internet fellas  made me feel less alone.  And they made me feel good…but only for a short period of time.  Ultimately I felt pathetic and more depressed than I initially was.

I have no idea how I stopped using the site…I just got tired of the bullshit I suppose.  I deleted my third account and stayed off…and the guys that had my numbers stopped reaching out to me.

But I still had no answers regarding my sexual identity.

I ignored and suppressed my internal conflict for a many months.  I was too emotionally exhausted to think about “who I was.”

Instead I became attached to Opuss and bonded with some Opussians.  Opuss became a crutch in replacement of the people on the online dating site.  I only wanted to connect to people so I wouldn’t feel so alone.

Then recently…along with the resurfacing of my depression, I’ve begun to resume questioning my sexual identity, which only makes me more depressed.  I also feel thoroughly confused.

I can’t confidently say that I am straight, but I don’t think I’m lesbian either…because I’m relatively attracted to guys as well.

I find being attracted to more than one sexuality discomforting. People assume that being bisexual is the stepping stone to coming out as gay…or that bi people are just confused…or will take anyone that will have them…or…there are many assumptions, and it makes me uncomfortable. For all I know, I am just curious…or…lesbian. I don’t know though…and not knowing drives me crazy.

I am uncomfortable discussing or…truly recognizing my feelings toward women in too. I’m not homophobic at all…I’m just scared. Scared to admit to a label with which I am so unsure and confused about….and I’m terrified about being accepted by my family…if I choose to identify myself a certain way.

Confronting my confusion is helpful though…I feel a bit relieved seeing my thoughts written down.

Anywho…for now I will just feel how I feel and work on coming to terms with it I suppose.  I want to be comfortable and happy with who I am one day…hopefully someday soon.

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12 thoughts on “Getting Naked

  1. It’s terrible that there’s a negative stigma with being bi. A couple of my girl friends identify as “queer” — they’re attracted to the person, not necessarily one or the other. From what they said, they discovered their preferences with experience. I hope that one day you do feel comfortable & happy with who you are!

      1. They do, unfortunately. :-/ It’s silly that sexuality is seen in binary terms, instead of as a continuum/spectrum. In time, you’ll figure it out! And anyone who’s going to hate on you or try to put you in a box/label isn’t worth your time! xx

  2. You will sweetie, you will. It’s tough to get to grips with conflicting and confusing feelings, and that fact that you are trying to understand them, is a great step in the right direction, but do not feel you have to choose right now, just see where the journey takes you. There’s a great saying floating around the internet:

    To remember who you are, you need to forget who they told you to be.

    So, do not worry about these labels which are floating about, they are just words; remember the most important thing of all this, there are many people out there, who feel the just as confused as you, they are finding their way too, you are not alone, you are living feelings which are similiar to many others out there, hang in there, you will soon know who you are…you probably already know, but just cannot remember at this present moment in time. Hugs.

  3. There’s typos in that first comment.. so please delete it (and also this bit of this comment) and use the comment bellow:

    You will sweetie, you will. It’s tough to get to grips with conflicting and confusing feelings, and that fact that you are trying to understand them, is a great step in the right direction, but do not feel you have to choose right now, just see where the journey takes you. There’s a great saying floating around the internet:

    To remember who you are, you need to forget who they told you to be.

    So, do not worry about these labels, they are just words; remember, the most important thing of all this: there are many people out there, who feel just as confused as you, they are finding their way too, therefore, you are not alone, you are living feelings which are similiar to many others out there, hang in there, you will soon know who you are…you probably already know, but just cannot remember at this present moment in time. Hugs.

  4. I know coming to terms with who you are can be very frustrating. I call my self Queer because it is so encompassing of a wide spectrum of human sexuality and gender identity some just feel attracted to the same gender, some to both and some are also attracted to transgenders Then you have all the gender identity options and the many different ways people want to express themselves and play with each other. Queer is a very inclusive category. Bisexual is also a perfectly acceptable way of defining who you are. I hope you find a community where you feel comfortable being yourself.

    1. Thank you, me too, and thanks for sharing how you identify yourself. I joined a site called The Trevor Project. They have like a FB thing where people of all sexualities can talk, which I thought was brilliant. Then I could talk to someone who is also questioning/bi/not completely straight…But the site is rather lonely because whenever I go on, no one else is on. It’s weird… there are a lot of members.

      Anyway, thanks for the kind comment 🙂 and I love your blog by the way x

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