Lasting Thoughts

Okay…I’m going to try this blogging thing again. Hopefully this attempt to get out of my writer’s block is effective because I miss writing everyday.

So I got into a college, which is awesome. It’s a school I really like and because I live in-state I would only have to pay in-state tuition.

But…I’m a little bit worried about…like what I want to study. At the college I got into or another college…wherever.  I’m generally undecided about what I want to major in but I know I want to either double major or minor in women, gender, and sexuality studies.

The reason I’m worried isn’t because I think my parents won’t be okay with that (my mom is all for it and although my dad would prefer me to only major in math or science he is not going to argue with my mom about it).

 

I’m worried because…well you know that saying that’s like…you are what you study?

That may not be a saying. But it’s a thing. For example this one guy that was mentally ill was studying neuroscience or psychology…something involving the brain…presumably because he wanted to learn more about his..mental illness. He never graduated though. He shot a few students then killed himself. It was a tragedy.

But anyway…I want to study the women, gender, and sexuality studies because I am a female, a feminist, and well…if I study sexuality hopefully I’ll learn about my own sexuality. Does that make sense? I want to study what I relate too. I also think I want to be involved in politics…or economics. But anywho…

I’m worried that if I sign up for what they call queer studies and such, my parents…my family…other nosy people…will start asking me questions that I’m not ready to answer.

Granted, I don’t have to worry about it too much for a few more months…maybe even years…but still.

My dad and his family are conservative Christians.  Although my dad isn’t so conservative, the way he was raised comes through on certain issues and will most definitely trickle through when he’s paying thousands of dollars for me to study sexuality. It makes me nervous.

Do I come out to my parents, although I’m definitely not ready to or even sure of anything?

Should I just tell them I’m questioning? Do I want to have that discussion with them?

Honestly, I don’t think my mom would be too surprised. She’s asked me two years ago if I was questioning my sexuality…but we were arguing when she asked me. I was a really frustrated person, in many ways, including my sexuality.

It wasn’t until my junior year of high school that I stopped lashing out and reading and…learning. I started watching this great YouTube channel, LGBTV/LGBTeens. Laci Green’s Sex + is also fantastic. YouTube helped a lot. I wrote short coming-out stories stories as a way to…become more comfortable with it. I tried online dating too, which didn’t help but it was an experience nonetheless.

This year is even better than last year.  Now I’m trying to become more comfortable with who I believe I am…and I’m still eager to explore and learn.  I’m currently reading “God and Sex”, which is a book written by a psychologist and he analyzes how religion influences sex and sexuality. It’s cool because I believe that the influence of Christianity may have affected my…personal growth.  JerBear’s blog is awesome to learn about current events regarding equal rights. I’ve been reading books by queer authors about queer people and I’m considering talking to my sister…

I think if I were to trust anyone, it’d be her…but it’s still nerve wracking. She’s best friends with a guy that is gay and she doesn’t stereotype him and take him shopping.  So she wouldn’t get weird on me by beginning to stereotype me…and she is all for gay rights and equality.  But when it comes to me being…it’s different. Isn’t it? I’m her older sister.  I don’t know.  I won’t know until I ask.

But for now I will keep all these thoughts to myself.  Well…I just published them on the internet but…y’know.  I won’t bring it up with anyone in conversation until I’m comfortable and ready.

I’m working on some blogs that are less introspective and worrisome and are more like the ones I used to write…gah anyway…

Goodnight, WordPress

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