Shortcomings

I just got back from a Board of Ed meeting. It was terrible. They kept going around in circles with their discussion. It was a waste of an hour.

Even all principals/administrators in the district were bored. Many were texting or sleeping or zoning out. It was pretty funny.

Anywho…I announced to the Board that I enrolled at a University. They all clapped, it was sweet.

I was talking to my yearbook advisor about my enrollment and when I said I wanted to major in women and gender studies, she got so excited. My advisor is pretty mellow, so when she shouted “YES!” it was kinda frightening.

Turns out that she majored in women and gender studies in addition to English.

I’m surprised she double majored in that but I’m not surprised she is a feminist. She doesn’t have an engagement ring (she’s married)…which may be simply because she didn’t want one or because of her simplistic style. Or because she’s a feminist. But I suspected that she was a feminist last year because of the lack of an engagement ring and also her persona.

Speaking of feminism and women…many of my female coworkers are lesbians. One of them hit on two girls I go to school with yesterday, at my job. The two girls told me about how my coworker thought the two girls were dating each other. Apparently my coworker was all: do you’re parents know you’re gay? Oh, you’re not gay? Well you’re too pretty for us to just be friends. Why are you not gay? Have you ever thought about being gay? Why don’t you like me? I look like a boy.

Then she gave the two girls her number and followed them on Instagram.

This particular coworker I like chatting with. She uses a lot of slang so I don’t always understand her (lol) but she’s sweet. I thought the story was funny.

Oh and, one of my other coworkers apparently gives the two girls basically free meals a lot. So apparently all my coworkers love these two girls I go to school with.

My manager was there to witness the whole exchange between the one girl hitting on the two girls…I don’t think she said anything really. Like…she didn’t hit on them. I hope she didn’t. I have a crush on her. A pretty big crush on her.

I got takeout from my job the other day. Four meals. About thirty bucks. My manager paid for the whole thing. I like to think about it as if it was our first date…gosh I can’t even read that sentence without chuckling.

I would like to go on a date. Just one, nice date. With someone I like, preferably. No more blind dates.

I’ve been thinking about coming out to my sister maybe when (if ever) I start like…dating a girl.

I honestly would rather do it now so I won’t feel like I’m oppressing a part of myself anymore…but I’m scared. I wanted to tell her last week in the car coming home from school. But that day wasn’t good so maybe the next day. But the next day my iPod’s shuffle was awesome so I turned it up, making conversation impossible.

I. Keep. Putting. It. Off.

I need to be just…blurt it out. Plan an opportunity and say it. Or just blurt it out. I think she’d be okay. Like…she’d be supportive of me.

It sucks because plenty of opportunities have passed for me to just…freaking say it.

Last week my mom and sister were discussing how they feel toward gay people and after discovering that they were okay with them (perfect time to come out…) my sister goes: wouldn’t it be funny if someone in our family is gay and hasn’t told anyone? They’re probably just waiting for our grandparents to pass because they would freak out.

Perfect. Time. To. Speak. Up.

Then this week, Ellen’s old comedy show Ellen came on and she was talking about dating a girl…my sister was with me. I could’ve said something.

Then when we went to get takeout from my job, she asked if my manager is a lesbian.

I simply said that I suspect so but I’m not going to assume anything. She has never explicitly said “I like girls”…I wanted to add “but I hope she does because I have a huge crush on her.”

But I didn’t because then…well…I will have to explain things and be…really honest. Vulnerable. That terrifies me.

And my sister always points out all these dudes that she thinks are babes and she wants my opinion and I just…wanna be honest with her. Really soon. I need to find the strength to do it. For myself. For a better, more honest sisterhood.

My friend got into the college I was going to apply ED for but in the end never applied to. I’m happy for her but also a bit jealous. If I applied, maybe I would’ve gotten in…but I do love the school I got into. I have no regrets enrolling there and I truly feel like I belong there. Unlike at the other school, I felt like I have a lot of shortcomings. Like I didn’t quite fit in. Like I was always gonna be treading water instead of swimming.

I believe I will be swimming at the college I chose. I will swim great distances!

I also got into Fordham yesterday. They sent 2500 people an email back saying that they were just kidding. Not all the people that received the email were admitted. I was still admitted but I’m not going. Dumb school. It’s horrible that they would mess something like that up.

Anyway, I’m exhausted. Goodnight, WordPress. Have a great Friday. x

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s