Shipwrecked

Work today was horrible. And it’s a dumb idea to have a crush on someone you work with.

Like I’ve said before, I have a crush on my manager. The crushing part sucks mostly due to the best friendship/lover-ship my manager has with one of my coworkers

I passionately dislike this particular coworker because I’m jealous of her. I hate that I feel…jealous. People only feel jealous if they’re insecure with themselves. I am rather insecure I suppose but…god I wish I could just grow up and be who I am.

I like girls! I have no reason to be shy! I am awesome!

Unfortunately, many of these statements are often ignored.

This coworker that I dislike has been working at my job for about two months or so. I’ve been at my job for forever. But this coworker is super friendly and outgoing and now she’s best buds with the manager I have a crush on. And they hang out and have inside jokes meanwhile I’m cleaning tables and serving food, a job that my coworker should be helping me with. But she’s busy hanging out with my manager.

At one point, their best-friendship/lover-ship made me feel so jealous that I started to resent myself and I almost cried from self-pity. It was a very confusing and immature reaction but…I’m frustrated. It sucks that I have been unable to open up and connect with the people that I work with and it also sucks that I have no one to talk to about my jealousy because everyone I know thinks I’m straight as fuck.

I hate being in the closet.

So I have to keep my petty feelings to myself. Which makes me more frustrated. I feel like a shaken bottle of Coke. About to explode…

The other reason my day at work has been shitty is because no one was able to take the closing shift in the kitchen, so my manager was mad. She didn’t want to have to stay at work all day. She opened the store today too.

It was scary to see her angry….she punched the metal pole (ow) and threw a wet floor sign into the wall (heads up!) and then she almost slammed the door in my face (the milkshake glasses I was holding protected me, thank god).

The perk of almost getting a bloody nose from a door was that her facial expression transformed from one of anger to panic when she saw that she had hit me. Then she grabbed my waist to prevent me from falling. It was the best 10 seconds of my life.

Afterwards I helped her make milkshakes for the boys in the yard…and I wanted to give her a sympathetic hug but instead I just gave her a lame pat on the shoulder because I felt too awkward.

Then we chatted a teeny bit. She felt bad about slamming the door into my face and I told her that I got my other coworker a Snuggie for Secret Santa.

Before all that…this morning…I found out that she likes to paint. She showed me a beautiful landscape painting she made. She said she’s too scared to make another landscape though. I don’t really understand why…but anyway…

She mostly draws cartoons. She has tons of drawing books apparently.

I’m always attracted to artists. I find it weird…all my friends are artists too. People think I’m an artist because of how I dress. Maybe I’m just drawn to the personality that most artists have.

So then this crazy, really enthusiastic woman came in and after my manager took her order, the woman hugged her.

It led to my manager and I laughing quietly to each other…and when she was putting trays on the expo table we maintained eye contact and she tried not to smile…but smiled anyway. It was super cute.

I need to stop crushing on her. It’s dumb. And I need to stop crushing on my friend. I need to get my queerness straightened out…I mean like…get myself together. I need to stop falling apart.

So tomorrow, after I tutor the girl I will call the LGBTQ center. (They never emailed me back). Then I’ll go from there.

Well anyway…that’s sums up my Sunday. Christmas break is after this week whoo! So that means one more week of school! Whoohoo!

Hope your Sunday was good and have a happy Manic Monday 🙂

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