The Demons That Tempt Me

Today has been too good of a day.

I didn’t have to see the girl I crush on at work.  Although I worked alongside the girl that I am jealous of, it wasn’t a big deal.  I was too busy working to socialize.

My boss, whom I’m not very fond of, gave me a lunch break.  I usually never get a break during my Sunday shift.  And he even paid for my meal.  That rocked.  He was being weirdly nice.

Then I left work when I was supposed to.  That never happens.  I got about seven bucks in tips.  It was good.

When I got home I ate and watched an episode of The L Word.  It’s really great.  Kinda dark and serious…can’t watch that many episodes at once.

After that I watched three episodes of Gilmore Girls with my sister, and now I’m moping.  While scrolling through my Dashboard.  (That’s a Tumblr term…I’m a Tumblr girl now).

I hate the holidays.  I mean, I don’t…but I do.  I don’t remember feeling…depressed…I supposed during the holidays…with the exception of last year.  Which is why I…started using dating websites.

Fuck, guys…I feel alone.  But I’m not.  My sister is right next to me.  Work has been good today.  Today has been a good day…but I don’t feel good.  I feel alone and sad and I’m getting flashbacks from last year. I really should be over this already.  I suppose I just miss the connection I had with him.  It wasn’t even much of a connection.  It was awful.  I was all messed up.  I was messed up afterwards.  But about a year later I feel better.  More sure of myself.

I’m in college.  I like girls, and I can admit it to myself.  I have a new friend…

But there are a few things I think I need to do to feel even better about myself.

I want to talk to my sister…I want to make amends with my old friend….I want to be more open and honest with people, maybe…I want to have a good prom…(prom terrifies me).  I want to meet and talk with other queer people.  And…I may be pushing it a little bit, but I would like to go out on a date.  I want to feel giddy and nervous and excited and I want my heart to pound, like only a date can do….but I’m not holding my breath.

Anyway, it has helped a bit to write this all down.  I’m gonna go watch YouTube videos before passing out.

Goodnight, WordPress

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