Being Myself

Although I miss my family now that I’m away in college, I’m also extremely glad to have the opportunity to finally be myself.  By that statement, I simply mean that I don’t have to hide my sexuality.  I can hang my pride flag in my room, wear the rainbow pin on my backpack..I can talk about it if I really want to.  I don’t talk about it though…even when I’m among other people that are part of the lgbtq community and we’re at an lgbtq event.  I feel uncomfortable pointing out girls I find attractive unlike other people I guess because I’ve always been uncomfortable mentioning people I find attractive, and also because I get nervous about how people will react if they don’t know…even when it comes to my friends that know I like girls I feel weird being like “oh, she’s a total babe”.  I’m afraid that my friends will feel weird or that they’ll wonder if I’m thinking that about them…maybe I’m just being too…worrisome.  I don’t know…it’s something that bothers me about my sexuality, among other things…

When my ex and I are hanging out and holding hands or kissing in public, I’m always afraid of someone making some mean remark or worse, physically hurting us.  I’ve always been afraid of these things, even before I told people about my sexuality and before I was in a relationship with a girl but now that I’m being more open about my sexuality and going to lgbtq events I feel more nervous.  

Worry aside, it’s really cool that I’m meeting some other people from the lgbtq community and getting involved too.  I’m creating a network of support.  

But it sucks that when my family comes to visit and meets my friends or anything, I’m going to have to hide things again.  Right now I feel like I’m in like this…fake reality.  It’s honestly really depressing me.

On the bright side, my ex and I are communicating again.  We’re friends again..we both want to get back together at some point soon though.  But it was really nice because after she bailed again on plans to see me before I left for college, she sent me a really nice open and honest email.  Up until that point she wasn’t communicating with me by telling me what she was thinking and feeling though.  Anyway, I printed out the email and now it sits in a drawer in my desk here at school.  

She came by a few days ago and it was really fun…it was the first time I saw her in a little over a month I believe..it was at least a month since the last time I saw her.  She cuddled with me while I studied and she accompanied me when I bought some books too.   She’s coming Friday night and staying the whole weekend.  I’m really excited about it, we’ve never spent so much time together though but I think we’ll have a great time because we get along really well and we understand each other and we’re best friends.  Her birthday is a few days after she visits so we’ll be celebrating her birthday together.  

Anyway, I should finish the homework I have and I should also study.  Talk to you all soon xx

-Victoria

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