I DESERVE BETTER

I want the kind of love that makes time

The love that I’m certain is all mine

I want the kind of love that doesn’t toy with my emotions

The love that doesn’t make me cry enough to fill oceans

I want the kind of love that satisfies what I believe I deserve

I’m sad to realize that I don’t think that kind of love will be from her…

Maybe in a matter of time…

Because time brings change

Maybe she can be what I need

Or maybe she’s not fit to end up with me

But I know what I want now…after failing a second time

I want love that regardless of what happens in each of our lives

That love will always be there for me…through thick and thin

That love won’t commit any sins

That love will always find time

And that love will always be forever mine

© 2014 Vic Romero

About the poem…

Last night I got trashed at an insane party, was approached by two interested guys, and cried myself to sleep.

The night started off good…until I started wondering if I have the opportunity, should I hook up with someone?  This question soured my mood because the primary reason for wanting to hook up with someone last night would have been more of a “FUCK YOU” to my ex rather than something I actually wanted to do.  I also felt weird thinking about kissing someone else for many reasons, but the only one I’ll mention now is that I still feel committed to my ex…like I’m still in a relationship with her.  My understanding was that this was just a break and once things calm down, we’ll try again.

But after talking to my friend I thought that if it happens, go with it.

Well I had the opportunity twice but I turned it down because I wasn’t attracted to either of the guys, even while drunk.  I drank a LOT last night…more than I’ve ever had because I’m not much of a drinker.

Anyway, I had fun with my friends dancing and laughing.  I really needed that night to just do something for me that was fun because the last few weeks have been brutal since I’m holed up in my room alone, studying all day.

When I got back home I went on Instagram and I saw that my ex had deleted all the pics of me/me and her and she also changed her profile pic, so I completely lost it.

I had texted her openly and honestly about what was bothering me a few days before, and how I wanted to hear back from her…well instead of hearing back from her, I got deleted.  I’m not sure if it’s because she believes it’s over now or maybe she’s angry with me or maybe she noticed that I had unfriended her and got upset…I don’t know.

So while sitting drunk in my room on the floor I started hysterically crying and I was overwhelmed with depression…feeling worthless and…I don’t think I’m suicidal but I’ve definitely contemplated the idea of just…no longer existing.  When I’m stressed, especially in college, I think about it a lot.  When it came to my ex though, and also because I was drunk, those thoughts completely escalated out of control…and I got scared so I called one of my good friends who has shown amazing support for me.  She answered her phone at 2:30 in the morning, that says a lot about her.

She was really worried about me and basically said that my ex is playing with me…my ex is there for me and is willing to be with me when it’s convenient for her….but if you truly love someone you will always make time…she was saying stuff like that.  She also said that she knows that I know I have to completely end things.  This is the second time things have spiraled downward with my ex and me and I don’t deserve to experience it again, I shouldn’t have experienced this to begin with.

Removing emotional attachments to my ex would lead me to agree that I should completely end it with her, as others have said…but because I am emotionally attached to her…I love her, y’know?…it’s not so easy.  But I think it’s what’s right for me and her at this point…it’s hard to think otherwise.

Maybe down the road we’ll bump into each other and we can try again but on the other hand…maybe I should explore who I’m sexually attracted since I don’t have much of a clue…and maybe I’ll find someone that is more like me…has big goals and is more consistent than my ex..someone that won’t abandon me when life gets hard but will reach out to me in the same way I have reached out to her…a relationship where we both support each other…

That’s why I wrote this poem because it puts in ink what I want in my life.  If my ex shows to me that she can be these things, then that’d be a different story…but as of right now she hasn’t show me these things and as a result I need to find the strength in myself to cut her out of my life.

This breaks my heart because she is my best friend too but for my mental sanity, I need this.  Although I also wish with all my heart that she will come around…

Hope you guys are doing well

xx Vic

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” –The Perks of Being a Wallflower 

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