Raw Write

I’m hurting a lot.

The family that I feel I had last year…my support group…well it doesn’t exist anymore. At least it doesn’t feel like it.

My ex doesn’t even wanna be friends, my best friend rarely acknowledges my texts…all my other close friends are in different states far away and I feel alone because I haven’t established another solid support group.

I have friends, but I feel weird talking about things that are actually bothering me with them. I can talk to my RA about things that are bothering me, but I can’t really be friends with her because she’s my RA.

I feel alone…scared…and rejected.

I know in a few months I’ll look back at this post and smile sadly as I read about the pain I was feeling, because in a few months I’ll probably establish a more solid group of people to rely on…at least I hope I’ll have that. But who knows…?

It was upsetting when my best friend barely talked to me, but at the time my ex was still with me so it was okay…but now that she’s gone too I’m realizing how much I relied on them for support. I needed them…not in like a…desperate way…but in a way that enabled me to connect with them emotionally. I shared my fears with them, they shared theirs with me. And when you know each others’ fears, I feel like that’s the budding of a true friendship because fears are people’s vulnerabilities.

My ex and my best friend were there through really bad times for me too…like with my parents…if I had that same experiences again I wouldn’t even know who to turn to…I’m hurting guys…you can’t tell but I’m sobbing as I write this I’m just…scared. It’s not helping that I’m home now so I’m feeling…nostalgic and…more sad.

Fortunately, my best friend finally reached out to me and we’re going to meet Sunday morning for a bit. I haven’t seen her since August…

My ex hasn’t reached out to me again…I doubt she will. Maybe in a year if she’s feeling friendly she’ll text me about what she’s accomplished…but I don’t know if we’ll ever be friends again. I guess that’s okay but right now it doesn’t feel okay.

I still can’t believe how our relationship just…fell apart. It’s exactly like the song “Don’t Forget” by Demi Lovato. Demi sings, “We had it all, we were just about to fall Even more in love, than we were before.”

That’s how I was feeling with my ex considering we had just spent, for the first time, a whole weekend together. I had never felt so close and safe with her.

Demi also sings, “Did you forget that I was even alive? Did you forget everything we ever had? Did you forget, did you forget about me?”

Which was how I was feeling when she said she wanted to take a break but she still wanted to talk…and then over a week went by and she hadn’t talked to me at all but she was on Instagram and people were tagging her in things on Facebook and I was like, “Why am I scared to talk to her? Everyone else is talking to her…but more importantly, why isn’t she reaching out to me at all? Did she forget about me?”

I honestly believe that the reason we broke up had NOTHING to do with me…yeah, maybe I pissed her off in the end because I spammed her when I was intoxicated but she has no right to be pissed off considering she had just ripped everything we had together away from me, all of a sudden, when I thought things were going great. They were great.

My friend told me not to be too mad at her because sometime people can’t care for other people because they can’t even care for themselves. Although I believe that that is the case, I’m still mad as hell and hurting at the same time. I understand that she needs this, but I wish…I don’t want to regret the weekend we spent together but I…maybe it would’ve made things hurt a little less. Maybe not…I don’t know.

When I see my friend on Sunday I’m going to drop off a bag with my ex’s stuff in it. It’s going to include a sticky note with the “P.S. Don’t Forget About Me” post in it…hopefully she’ll read it and maybe one day she’ll reach out to me and we can be friends again, or at least friendly with each other. Because although I feel she went about breaking up with me in the worst way possible by trying the whole “let’s stay in contact thing” but not doing it and then by cutting me out of her life entirely, I don’t think any of this breakup has to actually do with me. I believe that I was a great girlfriend, I treated her well, I was willing to be there for her in any way possible but she didn’t want me there when it came to her issues…instead she pushed me away and then cut me out but I think it’s because she needs to go on her own journey.

In the meantime, I’m trying to go on mine by trying to overcome my fears of change, loneliness, and identity.

Before I left college, I felt happy with where I was so I didn’t want any change. Leaving all my friends, family, and familiar places behind meant being alone to navigate my new environment and make new connections alone. Lastly, I’ve been afraid of rediscovering who I am considering that the past year I felt like I knew who I was.

I’m forced to face all of these fears in college though…some I feel are easier to face than others though.

I’ve been thinking lately how I don’t really know who I’m attracted to and how I should spend some time thinking about that. When I finally came to accept the fact that I like girls, I almost immediately got a girlfriend, not like I was even looking for one.

“When you’re love lets you go you only want more love Even when love wasn’t what you were looking for” -Tegan and Sara Speak Slow (I’ve been listening to their album, So Jealous, because it empowers me and literally every song describes how I’m feeling so I mouth the words while power-walking wherever I’m going. Sometimes I pretend I’m in a music video and I dramatically wave my arms around and dramatically pose on/next to things.

On one hand, I believe that I should stay single for awhile to allow myself to heal from the pain that my ex has caused me but on the other hand I want to just jump right into the dating pool again to determine who I am attracted to and to have more experiences, not necessarily because I want to have another serious relationship. A serious relationship is not ideal right now.

Therefore, I’ve decided to engage in the “college hook-up culture.” All this entails is going to a party, getting intoxicated, and either asking someone if they want to hook up or waiting to be asked.

This is a very…depressing way to go about trying to figure out my identity but it’ll give me more experiences than the ones I’ve had with my ex, which may ultimately help me get over her (or it could backfire and make me want her even more) and maybe it’ll help me see who I’m attracted to.

I feel like I should…explain my somewhat sudden re-quesitioning of my sexuality.

Ever since I’ve accepted that I am attracted to girls, I’ve identified as queer because it’s an umbrella term that doesn’t put me into any…strict…it doesn’t give me a strict label. But lately I’ve been wondering if I’m lesbian. I’m not really sure…I’ve been attracted to guys in the past and I’m still attracted to guys today but not as often as I used to be attracted to guys. I used to walk around admiring all the guys and now I don’t care about them…then again, I don’t care about girls either. That may be primarily because I’ve been in love with my ex so my eyes and heart have only been on her but…I don’t know.

Now that I’m single, I want to explore my sexuality a bit. I want to be open to being attracted to anyone and see who I tend to favor more, if I favor anyone in particular. I have a feeling that I don’t care about gender and that I’m a person that just needs to connect emotionally with someone to fall in love, but I don’t want to be closed off to the possibility that I’m completely lesbian. (Lately I’ve tended to feel more attracted to other girls rather than guys. I have this fantasy that I’ll meet and fall madly in love with a black female basketball player at school that has a ton of tattoos and is the big spoon and then we have beautiful children together. This fantasy may be influenced by the book I’m reading, In My Skin: My Life On and Off The Basketball Court by Brittney Griner…I want her)

I don’t have to hook up with anyone to figure this out of course but I thought hooking up is an experience that tends to come with the territory of being in college so, why not?

Anyway, I’m going to sleep now. The Benodryl is kicking in.

Goodnight xx

-Vic

“Something will grow from all that you are going through, and it will be you” -TobyMac

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