“Excuse me, excuse me! Do you have a boyfriend?”
I stared at him blankly, unsure of the best reply but finally settling upon “I’m gay.”
His tall frame retreated back into the room and I heard a girl ask him what happened as the door clicked shut behind him. I sighed and hid inside my room, feeling extremely uncomfortable and unhappy with my response. Aside from the fact that I don’t even identify as “gay,” I felt a better response would’ve been “I’m uninterested” or “I’m in love with someone else.”
“I’m uninterested” was a bolder response that may spark a discussion though. “Why are you uninterested? Do you think I’m ugly? You don’t even know me” may have been one of his counters, and being my timid self, I didn’t want to engage in that discussion.
“I’m in love with someone else” would’ve been the most accurate response, except I felt hurt for being in love with someone that didn’t seem to love me anymore.
Looking at my reflection in the mirror as I sprayed on more perfume, I noticed my tired eyes and sullen expression. Midterms were finally over and I sadly suspected my relationship was over too. It was Thursday night, October 16th, and I was determined to get fucked up. Yeah, I had classes Friday morning but that didn’t matter since that past Wednesday marked two weeks since she just disappeared from my life again, when I thought things were going great between us. I was unhappy that she broke up with me, and although I respected why, I had many questions still that I never felt I had the chance to ask:
Is this just a break? How long? Can I see other people? Are you going to see other people? What’s going on with you exactly? What’s your plan? Can we still talk? Can I help?
That Thursday night, I was primarily upset because she never got back to me after I had an emergency in which I assumed I could rely on her and because she never got back to me, I again felt like she was just stringing me along. Two weeks had passed and I never got a call or a text from her that even acknowledged my existence when she had said that she didn’t want to lose me as her best friend.
I forced a smile and went to my friends’ room, joking around with them about ideal guys with beards and man-buns before running outside to catch the bus and party. I went out that night wearing my tie dye “Fuck Everything” tshirt, which pretty much defined my mood. I drank a lot that night…more than I ever have because I woke up with my first hangover. Some creepy guy named Doug thought my shirt was hilarious and wanted to hook up with me, but I said no. If he wasn’t creepy and I wanted to hook up with him though, I would’ve felt guilty because I wasn’t sure where we stood and I felt committed to her.
When I stumbled back to my room at 3am, Friday October 17th, I went onto Instagram and noticed that she had deleted the pictures of her and me together. Maybe she could explain her logic for doing that before texting me “We can’t be together anymore” because that makes no sense to me. Considering that I thought the weekend we spent together was amazing…that we were on the same page and both madly in love…my drunken brain could not comprehend why she deleted those pictures. In fact, my sober brain couldn’t and still can’t either, but at the time I was drunk while dumbly staring at her Instagram profile.
As she experienced, I was really upset. I called her, I called her sister, I spammed both of them…I was confused and drunk and tired of feeling neglected and strung along…I was tired of being part of her twisted mind games and tired of her leaving me when I thought I could rely on her. I was tired of being lied to and I was tired of being hurt by her and tired of crying because of her. I was tired of having this weird lack of communication where nothing between us was clear and I was tired of feeling desperate for her attention and like I didn’t matter. I’ve never felt so emotionally abused and exhausted before. I just wanted to get away from her.
I can’t help but wonder if I never blew up her phone that night as well as her sister’s if she would’ve ever clued me into what was going on. Then again, she never told me what was going on. Our communication was reduced down to emotionless, blunt text messages that she just expected me to accept. I wish she had been more willing to properly communicate with me, and I wish when I did try to communicate with her, she would’ve been responsive.
I apologized to her sister for contacting her because I know it was inappropriate, but believe me I felt like I had no other choice. I felt that way when I broke up with her in text the first time too because she wasn’t answering my calls and she kept bailing on plans that she had made.
I’m angry about how she treated me. I deserve an apology because I feel that she completely disrespected me. I wasn’t a casual hookup, I wasn’t an unloyal girlfriend, and I wasn’t mean to her at all. In fact, I thought we were in a serious, mature relationship, I was loyal, and I was a great girlfriend and friend to her. But hey, if I’m wrong and I was horrible to her and that’s why she decided to break up with me in text twice, then I guess I had it coming. Otherwise, there was no reason for her to regard me like I was a creepy girl she met on the internet that wouldn’t stop nagging her, rather than a serious girlfriend that she dated for seven months and have known for longer than that. I deserve better.
When we started talking again after the first time we broke up, she admitted she was upset by how I broke up with her and I knew it was a shitty thing to do. I apologized multiple times, in text, on the phone, and face to face, because I felt awful for doing so. That’s why it really shocked me when she did the same thing to me, especially because I had asked her to call me. I fucking asked to talk on the phone with her.
I assume she was too cowardly to call me because maybe she was afraid of me being hysterical, or maybe she didn’t want to deal with me at all….jeez, she has to grow up. She’s fucking twenty-two years old…she should stop bullshitting around and act her damn age. She agreed to be in a serious relationship with me so she should’ve been the adult that she is and break up with me like an adult. It’s unfair that she has silenced my feelings and opinions on what has happened by resorting to communication through text messages and being unbelievably unresponsive.
If there’s one thing I understand though, it’s why people shut other people out, since I’ve shut many people out of my life when I was having issues with myself. I wrote an essay for my English class on accepting myself…she said it made her sister cry. I assume she’s currently experiencing similar feelings and struggles that I did, and if so, then I really sympathize with her. Figuring out who you are and what you want to do is a difficult, lonely process that only you can do yourself. I’m experiencing this process again now that I’m in college…I tend to feel alone a lot, depressed, confused, scared, and like I don’t even belong here. But when I’m brave enough to reach out to one of my friends and family about it, they have been amazingly supportive and make me feel like I can manage. I’m sure that her family and friends are willing to be there for her and I hope she is using them as she navigates her life. She should know I would’ve been there to support her too, but she never let me in.
I don’t know if she still loves me or if she even likes me as a person anymore. I’m not completely sure what happened between us and I’m not sure why we fell apart in the awful way we did. I’m not sure if she got back together with me in the first place to prove to me that she could be a great girlfriend, not because she loved me. Honestly, I’m not sure who she is since I would’ve never thought that she would mistreat me in this way.
Maybe she isn’t as kind and thoughtful as I believed she was…maybe she has a tendency to bolt from relationships and people…maybe she doesn’t care about how she treats people…maybe it’s bad timing…maybe it’s not meant to be…maybe she can’t love me the way I deserve to be loved…maybe she’s no longer interested in me, or maybe she’s just struggling. I have no idea. I’ve been second-guessing and wondering a lot of things, but mostly I’ve been feeling burned by her since I thought at the end of the day she was my best buddy…the fact that I was wrong about that hurts the most.
© 2014 Vic Romero
*Title taken from Fall Out Boy’s Bang The Doldrums…I thought the song was appropriate
I wrote this a little over two months ago now to help me heal after things became a shitfest with my ex. I decided to post this on here because publicizing it makes it less private and personal and I feel like maybe I have been holding onto this story…I just need to let it go officially and I think by publishing it, I’m finally letting it go. It still bothers me sometimes that she’ll probably never acknowledge or apologize for how poorly she treated me. But I guess that’s why people say you have to learn how to forgive without that…and I think I have forgiven her. Or I’m almost at the point of completely forgiving her. And I haven’t forgiven her for her benefit, but for my own. I refuse to be the victim anymore. Anyway, I think lately I’ve been struggling to forgive myself for allowing her to make me feel so pathetic and desperate and worthless. I know my value…I know I deserve better but I allowed myself to feel inferior. I should’ve spoken up, because obviously my silence, pretending that I was okay with everything, only hurt me. On the other hand, this awful experience has made more thankful for the amazing people in my life that I may have taken for granted. Like my mom, for example. Although I still have underlying issues with her, she has driven forty-five minutes to an hour just to drop off a warmer coat for me. My friends from back home have stepped up and been there for me in inconceivable ways…my new friends have done the same too. I’m meeting new people that I aspire to become like one day…I want to be strong, focused, inspiring, kind, compassionate, and a great leader one day. I’m surrounding myself with people that love me and people that I admire and as a result, I feel better because I’m improving myself. I really want to focus on self-improvement this year…most of 2014 I was in a relationship so 2015 is going to be my year where I try to become the best person possible. Being the best person possible includes showing compassion toward people that don’t treat you well, like my ex…and rising above it all. Anyway…I’m glad I published it because it’s no longer a tear-stained diary entry…now it’s a glossy, published piece that is strong and dignified.