I realized yesterday that’s it’s been six months since I’ve been in a relationship. It’s crazy how much has changed since then, and how much I’ve changed. I’ve become stronger and more self-loving after having accidentally putting my heart in the wrong hands. I now realize that the awful way I was treated had nothing to do with me. Despite knowing this now, it took me a long time to believe it. I spent that time beating myself up and dwelling on the pain she caused me. Now that I believe it, I still think about it though.
I mostly think about why she had contacted me to apologize if she was only going to change her mind. She said a lot of weird things to me when she tried to apologize, such as emphasizing how much she used to love me, but she’s with someone else now. I thought it was weird she declared how much she had loved me when all she had to do was apologize for breaking up with me in a cruel way (she ignored me for weeks and then just texted me) and for being rude and mean to me, and for threatening me to return a gift to her. (She also should apologize for ignoring my texts when she tried to apologize. She should’ve just told me that she had changed her mind about apologizing).
It’s kind of hilarious writing this down…at the time I felt so hurt and broken but now that I’m writing it and now that it doesn’t bother me, I’m just like…
WOW. I loved this woman?
I feel like she’s too immature to be considered a woman though…don’t only teenagers break up in text? I have no idea but clearly she’s immature and rude and a deeply troubled person that didn’t love me because she doesn’t respect me.
Love requires mutual respect, even when it falls apart.
Anyway, I’m mentioning my ex because after going through that shitfest she put me through, I feel whole again and ready to put myself out there. I don’t want a serious relationship like I had before. I want something young and flirty and casual…the whole idea appeals to me because it sounds like a very “college” thing to do. I want a real college-kinda relationship since I’m in college now.
Anywho, I don’t know if this kind of non-relationship would be good for me because I suspect that I’m a “commitment” kind of girl but who knows? I’ve only been with her so I don’t know…I also am still unsure who I’m attracted to. So now is the time to explore and find out!
I realize that I may be setting myself up for heartbreak, but I don’t think it’d be as painful as the heartbreak my ex kindly provided me with. The thing with my ex is that I thought she respected me as a person, but clearly she doesn’t. And thinking about how I spent so many months with someone who went from “loving” me to completely stabbing me in the back and treating me like an annoying girl she messages on OkCupid hurt. I expected her to treat me better to break up with me. I expected her to respect me.
Looking back now, she didn’t always respect me so I guess her maltreatment toward me shouldn’t be such a huge shock.
Clearly, I would like whoever I go with to respect me.
Since six months ago when we broke up, I’ve been attracted to multiple people but I never acted on it. This semester I have been acting on it but then I freak out because I get kinda nervous. Hopefully I’ll connect with someone though. It doesn’t have to be anytime soon, I love being single and completely independent. But it would be affectionate with someone again. Or just go on a date with someone and have them tell me that I’m attractive. That’d be nice too.
Wish me luck and have a great weekend everyone!