Feeling Myself

I’ve been single for many months. I don’t care to count exactly how long it’s been because it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I’m happy, and I can honestly say I’ve never been happier.

I feel like when I started dating, I was beginning to blossom into myself. I had finally accepted my sexuality and come out…I was discovering my passions. The breakup came at a period when I felt unstable because there was a lot of rapid change and I was having a difficult time managing. But with a ton of time and a ton of self-love, I feel amazing. I’m ready to put myself back out there but I’m also enjoying the time I’m having with myself. I’m in a happy place.

Since I haven’t been in a relationship in awhile, I have forgotten about how complicated they can be. Last week week, however, I was rudely reminded. One of my closest friends reached out to me to talk about some problems she was having with her partner. I was excited that she reached out to me because she’s never truly opened up to me before but anyway…I honestly thought that her partner was going to break up with her. I also felt like she should break up with him because she was being so negative and hurtful toward herself. In the end, they talked it out and everything is okay. When I was hashing it all out with her though, I was reminded of all the bullshit my ex put me through and I can’t believe I tolerated it. It just goes to show that my self-worth has improved!

The following night I got drunk in the park with one of my other close friends. I hang out with her a lot because we’re the two most available people in our friend group and whenever we hang out we get drunk in the park and dance. She has been very unhappy lately, especially in her relationship…I’m honestly a little worried about her. When she got drunk, she became Incredibly sad because alcohol is a depressant. She kept blaming herself for all of the problems in her relationship, which broke my heart because even if she is at fault for some things, she most definitely isn’t the only one at fault. There are two people in a relationship and it’s unfair that she’s taking on all the blame for everything. I tried telling her that as she cried herself to sleep. Although she still blames herself, she later said that she needs to work on her self-worth, so hopefully things will get better for her soon.

When I date someone seriously again, I know it’ll be hard because relationships are complicated sometimes. I’ll cry about some things and I’ll probably blame myself for fights sometimes…but because I feel as though I have developed a strong, loving relationship with myself, I think any future relationships I have will be better than my first one. Going forward, I won’t tolerate as much as I did and I would handle certain situations, should they arise again, differently because I value myself more than I did then. I didn’t hate myself as I did several years ago, but I didn’t truly love myself either. When we were dating, my ex showed me that I truly am beautiful and when she treated me terribly and I doubted everything she had said, the amazing people in my life held me up as I rediscovered the love that I have for myself.

I hope everyone finds true love in themselves. It’s a continuing and difficult process but it’s important because at the end of the day, all you have is yourself. Please be kind to yourself, you deserve it and are worth it.

x Vic

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