Over a year ago, I dealt with a very traumatizing situation as a result of wanting to date someone my parents disapproved of. Since that time, my family and I have not discussed nor acknowledged nor accepted my sexuality. Everything is great in my family as long as I suppress who I am.
Yesterday, I had a very triggering encounter with my mom that was very reminiscent of last year’s traumatizing experience though.
Here’s the text I sent to one of my best friends…
So the guy I think u would like is coming over on Sunday (r u around? We should all hang out😊) and staying overnight cuz we work at the same time at the same place on Monday morning. My mom was like “what. A guy? Who is this person??” Which makes sense since she hasn’t met him but idk…some of the stuff she said reminded me of when I started hanging out with my ex. My mom used to interrogate me cuz she didn’t understand why I wanted to hang out with her since she was older and stuff…and instead of having a conversation with my ex my mom just interrogated me all the time it was terrible. She asked me all sorts of weird and awkward questions…my mom didn’t ask me those questions this time but I’m kinda upset…she wasn’t okay with him staying over but then my dad was surprisingly like “yeah sure it’s nbd” so that’s why he can crash here but I can’t help wondering why my mom wouldn’t be okay with it cuz at first she thought I was talking about a girl and was okay with it but when she found out it was a boy she was like “no” but…she just made me feel really heterosexual I guess…I’m explaining myself so poorly.
Basically she prob thinks I only want the D cuz she wants to believe I’m heterosexual which means that my sexuality is still invalid to her which makes me feel bad about myself and it’s all reminiscent of a terrible time for me 😕
Ever since, I’ve been incredibly anxious and I’ve become a little depressed…and feeling a little hopeless.
I ended up calling my friend because he was asking me about a town that is thirty minutes away from me. He explained that he was going to be in that town because there was a fair that day…and in my mind I just felt like hanging out with me was out of his way and not something he wanted to do anymore because he is so busy. As a result, I think I accidentally convinced him not to come/uninvited him…perhaps because subconsciously I knew it would be less triggering for me if he didn’t come and meet my family and then stay over…which is ridiculous because this is a completely different person and a completely different situation! He’s not a romantic interest, he’s just my friend and I want to keep it that way! We were just going to watch Big Brother and movies for hell’s sake!
I talked to my friends about it and they said that I’m probably overthinking things and just to text him in the morning to see if he’s still coming and what time. Hopefully he’ll still come, if he can.
Spending the day losing my shit about having a friend come over my house has made me realize that although the past is in the past, it is still traumatizing for me because nothing was ever resolved. There are a lot of secrets from that time and my parents still don’t approve of my identity.
I want to work through these issues and accept that I won’t have the approval, nor do I need the approval, from my parents all of the time. We have different beliefs and ideals, which is completely fine. All that matters is that I approve and accept myself.
In the meantime, Monday’s story will be postponed to next Monday at 11am. (Please click here for the first part and here for the second part!) I am sorry I’m so terrible at sticking to deadlines I set for myself…but it’s hard to write a romantic tale when I am dealing with my crazy anxiety and depression as a result of an expired romance.