PIV

This is an extremely raw write…I wrote this over the course of several days back in April-March…tears always stung my eyes as I added a couple of lines on my way to class or when I couldn’t focus on studying…I could edit this and clean it up, but I kind of like how…raw and therefore rough it is. I feel like it helps depict my mentality at that time…jagged edges and ill-fitting puzzle pieces. 


At this point, I’m only torturing myself

Because I know well

That nothing will become of this.

I don’t want it to anyway

This relationship would drive

myself crazy

Because you’re too lazy

To treat me right

And you’re a vault

Locked up tight

 

I must love how you hurt me

Because I’m not coming undone from your touch

No

Only you get satisfied

So why do I keep entangling myself

In these cheap affairs

There’s nothing in it for me

In the end

 

We’re not going to last

 

I think I rather be alone

Than be with you and feel miserable

Our relationship isn’t transparent

And there isn’t a point in talking about it anymore

Since it’ll only fall on deaf ears

Like what has happened before

It’s exhausting trying to one-up you

I’m killing myself so you can’t

But there isn’t a point

Since I can’t accomplish anything if I’m dead

We aren’t friends

We don’t know how to be friends

 

I’ve known all of this for awhile now

Ever since I realized you aren’t lonely

You just want someone to fuck

Or a thing

I lose my autonomy with you

As you pursue sexual satisfaction

I remain still for you

Your hands graze my body

And penetrate me

To please you

And you alone

 

I am enough

You’re not allowed to make me feel less than


But I’m not gonna stop entertaining your texts

And I won’t stop spending the night

Until you stop inviting me

Because ending the hurricane that we are

Means also ending the rainbow in my life

 

I’m not really part of anything

A stray leaf floating through branches covered in leaves that match each other

But I’m different colored

Mixing everything together

 

You’re no longer allowed to camp out at the forefront of my mind

I have other things to think about

Other friendships to foster

And problems I want to solve

You treat me like I’m ordinary

And I deserve better

 

I like the idea of you

I like hooking up with you because I like you

You like hooking up with me because I’m convenient

I am just a body

Without agency

A rag doll

Raggedy Vie

 

© 1 March 2016 Vic Romero



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