PIV

This is an extremely raw write…I wrote this over the course of several days back in April-March…tears always stung my eyes as I added a couple of lines on my way to class or when I couldn’t focus on studying…I could edit this and clean it up, but I kind of like how…raw and therefore rough it is. I feel like it helps depict my mentality at that time…jagged edges and ill-fitting puzzle pieces. 


At this point, I’m only torturing myself

Because I know well

That nothing will become of this.

I don’t want it to anyway

This relationship would drive

myself crazy

Because you’re too lazy

To treat me right

And you’re a vault

Locked up tight

 

I must love how you hurt me

Because I’m not coming undone from your touch

No

Only you get satisfied

So why do I keep entangling myself

In these cheap affairs

There’s nothing in it for me

In the end

 

We’re not going to last

 

I think I rather be alone

Than be with you and feel miserable

Our relationship isn’t transparent

And there isn’t a point in talking about it anymore

Since it’ll only fall on deaf ears

Like what has happened before

It’s exhausting trying to one-up you

I’m killing myself so you can’t

But there isn’t a point

Since I can’t accomplish anything if I’m dead

We aren’t friends

We don’t know how to be friends

 

I’ve known all of this for awhile now

Ever since I realized you aren’t lonely

You just want someone to fuck

Or a thing

I lose my autonomy with you

As you pursue sexual satisfaction

I remain still for you

Your hands graze my body

And penetrate me

To please you

And you alone

 

I am enough

You’re not allowed to make me feel less than


But I’m not gonna stop entertaining your texts

And I won’t stop spending the night

Until you stop inviting me

Because ending the hurricane that we are

Means also ending the rainbow in my life

 

I’m not really part of anything

A stray leaf floating through branches covered in leaves that match each other

But I’m different colored

Mixing everything together

 

You’re no longer allowed to camp out at the forefront of my mind

I have other things to think about

Other friendships to foster

And problems I want to solve

You treat me like I’m ordinary

And I deserve better

 

I like the idea of you

I like hooking up with you because I like you

You like hooking up with me because I’m convenient

I am just a body

Without agency

A rag doll

Raggedy Vie

 

© 1 March 2016 Vic Romero



The Morning Before

I don’t feel well…I’m so anxious and high-strung about this surgery in a couple of hours. I’ve been like this all day…I stayed up until 4:30am then slept in until 11:30am. I lounged in my pajamas all day, sitting in the same spot for twelve hours trying to focus long enough to do homework but failing miserably. I stink, my mom has been coddling me more than she usually does…everybody has been extra nice and it’s weird. Any little thing will piss me off right now…and I got into a fight with my mom earlier about doctors and my surgery. 

I feel so inadequate…I kinda fucked up. I don’t tell my mom anything and she’s mad because she thinks I should’ve detailed her my doctor’s appointments to have possibly avoided this melanoma scare. I am pissed for being made to feel inadequate and I’m pissed because she’s partly right. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I can’t focus on anything..I got maybe an hour of homework done today despite having sat with it in front of me for twelve fucking hours. My irresponsibility when it comes to both my health and my academics is just making me…want to disappear into the night. How nice would it be to run off somewhere right now? But running away doesn’t erase any problems…it would make things more complicated. 

God, I want a cigarette. And drugs. Anything would be nice right now…anything that would make this morning zip by and that would fuck with my consciousness. Because I feel terrible. Maybe I feel a little better than when I first started this post, but I still feel like my insides are twisting and choking me from the inside. 

-Vic

Late Night or Early Morning

It’s past 4am as I write this. I’m a little delirious but I’m okay with it…I haven’t been this weird mix of sad and exhausted in several years. 

I’ve been partly too busy to write and partly not having anything to write about..those are the lies I’ve been telling myself. The reality is, at twenty years old, I have finally found some solid friends to confide in and I therefore haven’t truly needed to write to express myself because I’m able to do that with my friends. And yeah, my life has been mundane lately too..maybe if I had some drama going on, I would feel more inspired to be creative and to write more in general. But I don’t need to have drama going on to write..I need to realize this. There have been tons of things going on in the different realms of my life…my jobs, school, family, friends..my health, my fears and fantasies…hell, dating!! I’ve been talking about all of these issues with my friends, but I haven’t been writing them down. And I should! I shall! 

So…first aspects of my life I want to talk about. My health and…maybe I’ll touch upon my fears and fantasies because some of them relate to my health. 

I’m having surgery done on Monday for what is probably not melanoma but isn’t a normal birthmark…it’s on my foot so I won’t be able to walk too well for a couple of days..hopefully not more than a week. 

I went to my annual dermatologist checkup and I fucking hated that office. It took me two weeks to make the appointment in the first place because the secretary never answered the phone and they never called me back, although I left voicemails. My mom thought the office closed down! Eventually I got ahold of the office and I made an appointment for two months later, because that was all they had. My appointment was a couple of days ago and..everybody at the office is unfriendly. They’re unfriendly and fucking robots because they’re not humorous. It’s horrible. 

But basically, the doctor (who I used to think was super attractive but now I dislike her too much) was like “you should have that removed” and then I ran out of there and drove home full of anxiety, fear, and tons of tears. I called my mom and later got into a stupid fight with her because I was being irrational and emotional. 

The next day, my mom took me to get a second opinion and I cried again there. And then skin cells were scraped off my body and my mom made me an appointment to have the surgery. 

It’s fabulous because I’m in school now and I’m working…getting around requires tons of walking because I’m in an urban environment. Now my mom is taking off of work in preparation to be my chauffeur. It’s going to be rough. 

Aside from that…July 4th I made the drunken mistake of buying a pack of cigarettes and ever since…I’m trying not to be addicted. I smoked maybe…three of the first pack and then broke the rest but then…

I’m a very anxious person and the other day when I was walking to class from my apartment, I was incredibly anxious. I walk with my hands balled in fists in preparation to pop anyone in the jaw or head or wherever I can reach!! People try to talk to me when I walk down the street, I don’t like it. They loiter and they look at me and sometimes they catcall at me and..so I get anxious. Then there was a guy I thought was walking too slowly so I got nervous and plus, it was rush hour so I was horrified crossing the street. But not horrified enough to go to the convenient store and buy a ridiculously expensive second pack of cigarettes. All I could think about was smoking one to calm me down…if I didn’t have this stupid credit card (I got a credit card in May for my trip) I wouldn’t have been able to entertain lethal, expensive, nasty habits. I would’ve only been able to consider trying yoga or something free and healthy! 

I need to quit this..mild addiction but addiction nonetheless. If I’m terrified to have an outpatient surgery, why would I pick up a terrible habit that would most definitely result in me having an inpatient surgery, if I’m lucky enough to live. 

I haven’t been the smartest lately…maybe part of the reason is that, aside from stress and anxiety, I’ve been extremely bored. And I’m alone most of the week when I’m at school. I am totally embodying a spoiled brat attitude right now, and I hate myself for it but it’s at least partly true. 

Anyway, I’ll leave this post as it is since it’s long enough. 

-Vic

Vic’s European Vacation: Day 4: London to Paris

I woke up drunk and at the crack of dawn because I had to pack for Paris!

Well, when we got to the Eurostar station, the train for Paris that was supposed to leave at 8:30am was delayed two hours. Our train was delayed, but luckily not as long. We ended up being in Paris only an hour later than expected.

I was disappointed in the Eurostar because they kept advertising about wifi, but I had no signal at all. Not even cellular service!

Although it was cool how fast the train went.  It went 75 meters underground at 300km/hr in 54 km long tunnels.  That was the only impressive part of the Eurostar.

Despite the delay, we saw all the sites we were supposed to on the bus tour, and we made perfect timing!  The tour guide was super nice and funny, but I liked the one in London a little better.  The tour guide in London had a ton of attitude, she was great.

After the tour, we were supposed to organize little groups of about four or so to share bottles of wine for the cruise tour on the Seine River.  There was a grocery store right across the street from the hotel, so we all went there to get wine.  The wine was so cheap though! You could get wine for about 3 euros!  So we ended up with our own bottles of wine instead of sharing haha

Getting the wine was a little scary though.  When I was buying my wine, the cashier woman started speaking to me in French.  I don’t speak French though, so I said, “excuse me?” The manager was watching the transaction and then piped up loudly and sarcastically like, “Oh, she doesn’t speak French!  She speaks English!  Only English!”

The cashier lady laughed and when I finished the transaction, I bolted out of there.  I felt so embarrassed and uncomfortable…and since this was the first foreign country I was in where I didn’t speak the native language, I felt afraid.  I realized how challenging it may be for me on the rest of the trip where the native language is not English nor Spanish.

After we all got the wine, we took the bus to the fancy dinner.  The food was delicious, but the red wine was a little too dry for my liking.


Here’s the food! I had that giant creme brûlée to myself! I couldn’t finish it all though.

Then we went on the Seine River cruise!  I cracked up when we all got off of the bus with a bottle of wine per person.  We all climbed onto the roof of the boat and then passed around the two bottle openers.  Boat tour, everyone has their own bottle

As you could probably imagine, we all got drunk.

The end of the tour was a close-up view of the Eiffel Tower sparkling…we all went crazy when it sparkled right in front of us.  Suddenly, we were all scrambling to take drunken pics.  The alumni advisor thought it was funny how excited we got about it.  Here are some of my drunken pictures:


After the cruise, we did a city night tour of Paris.  Everyone was belligerent and trying to use the bathroom on the bus, although it was closed.  I’m sure the bus driver couldn’t wait for us to get off.

Then, back at the hotel, my roommate helped me finish my bottle of wine because I couldn’t do it myself.  Speaking of hotel rooms, the rooms we had in Paris were incredibly tiny.  Also, the hangers in Europe are different than the US.  At least they’re different in the European hotels.  The closets don’t have a pole parallel to the door, the poles are perpendicular to the doors.  I’m not such a fan of it.

Anywho, she and the sorority squad then went out while the rest of us got crepes.

LOOK AT HOW DELICIOUS!!


Everybody in France smokes.  Seriously, everybody.  Only one girl on my trip smoked, and I don’t know what I was thinking…that I wanted to experiment I guess.  But anyway, she gave me a cigarette and me and this super tall guy on the trip started smoking at the outdoor crepe shop.  I did a bad job of smoking, though.  I didn’t realize you have to tap off the end once in awhile because then I had white powder all over my leather jacket lol
Then I got yelled at for smoking too close to the crepes, I felt like a real smoker.

After the crepes, we went to a bar.  It was a weekday though so we were the only people there, it was pretty hilarious.  The bar only played American music, it was weird.  We drank upstairs for awhile and then went to the basement.  One of the dudes and I got behind the bar there to pretend to be bartenders, which ultimately got us all kicked out of the basement.  Then we just hung out at the main part of the bar.

One of the dudes on the trip bought one of the girls a beer, although she was already crazy drunk.  She was Beyonce dancing the whole night lol and they also held hands underneath the table.  On the way back, he gave her a piggy-back ride, and she fell off.  We all had to hoist her up and hold her on the way back to the hotel.

The guy that pretended to be a bartender with me was kind of lurking around me…it felt like he wanted to get funky later.  One of my Latina friends noticed though and she swooped in to save me.  I wasn’t looking to be saved…I don’t mean I was like…interested in this guy.  I wasn’t interested in the guy nor was I in the mood to get funky but…it was nice of her to do anyway.  Although it was super effective because then we ended up on the same floor, unlike everyone else.

He noticed me and we hung around the door to my room, talking.  It felt like something could easily happen..there was a little drunken chemistry.  A little drunken flirting…and then he farted.

It was silent and extremely deadly.

Then the drunken chemistry fizzled, the flirting stopped, the talking idled…He was like, “I think I’m going to go to bed now.”

And that was it.  We hardly talked the rest of the trip.

I stayed awake for several hours drunkenly texting some friends from home.

I had to leave the door to my hotel room slightly cracked for my partying roomie.  There was only one room key, and I had it.  I ended up sleeping for like four hours, which has become typical of this trip lol

xo Vic

Post-Summer Solstice

I haven’t been the greatest at posting these European blogs…or beginning to even write them.  I was determined to write all of the blogs about my trip on my trip because of how much time we spent traveling.  As per usual, I don’t follow through with my plans.

I wrote consistently for the first two days.  Afterwards, I just wrote lists of things I didn’t want to forget because I slept every time we traveled.  When I got home, I was too exhausted to bother with writing the blogs and a month later, I am just fucking lazy.  I’ll finish writing the blogs eventually because it’s important to me, but until then…I’ll be in the USofA, rotting away.

Since I’ve returned to the states, my life has been incredibly drab.  It’s not because the excitement and glamour of Europe has dulled my regular, old life, but rather, I’m in limbo right now.  Hell, I’m always in limbo.  I should rename my blog “Life in Limbo” or something lame like that.  (Speaking of my blog, I’ve been meaning to redesign it again.  Another thing to add to my To-Do list.)

The reason I feel like I’m in limbo is because I am very lost when it comes to what the fuck I’m doing with myself.  I don’t have a strict schedule so my days are all over the place, and I’m not the greatest fan of that.  I miss school for my hour-by-hour itineraries.  Fortunately, I’m resuming school in a couple of weeks, so order shall be restored to my life!  Until then, I’ll be in limbo.

Some things I’ve been doing while I’m in limbo include working!  Yes, shockingly, I got a job!

Continue reading “Post-Summer Solstice”

Vic’s European Vacation: Day 3: Lit in London


The croissants are SO GOOD they’re so crunchy it reminds me of that Italian dessert that my mom and I like that I can’t remember the name of right now…
Oh, fun facts! My mom came to Europe twenty years ago and warned me about the water but the water is safe to drink. (Perhaps it always was, she just didn’t know?) She also told me the beer is served warm in England, but everything was ice cold. With optional ice.

Oh, fun facts! My mom came to Europe twenty years ago and warned me about the water but the water is safe to drink. (Perhaps it always was, she just didn’t know?) She also told me the beer is served warm in England, but everything was ice cold. With optional ice.
Additionally, Nero Cafe is the Starbucks of England, although England has many Starbucks too. Boots is the Walgreens/Duane Reade/CVS/Rite Aid of England.

Additionally, Nero Cafe is the Starbucks of England, although England has many Starbucks too. Boots is the Walgreens/Duane Reade/CVS/Rite Aid of England.
Anywho…! So the first thing we did in the morning was go on a walking tour of the Parliament area, Buckingham Palace, and the Tower of London.

Anywho…! So the first thing we did in the morning was go on a walking tour of the Parliament area, Buckingham Palace, and the Tower of London.

Here I am in front of the Westminster Abbey. MLK is an honored person here, among many others from all over the world. He has a little statue of himself over the archway. He is the center one holding the child.

Then we saw the Switching of the Guards. I didn’t think I would have the opportunity to see them so it was a pleasant surprise.

Afterward, we went to the London of Tower, where the tour ended. We got lunch and I tried Halloumi cheese in a wrap. It was delicious!

I had tickets to the Tower though so I went on a tour in there and then checked out all the exhibits. Apparently, the Queen lives here with her bodyguards and their families, who also serve as maintainers of the castle and tour guides. They served in the military for 22 years before assuming this position, if they choose to. Sir Isaac Newton lived here at one point too!

Then we went to the London Eye. It was incredible.


When I was in that area, I got a better photo of Big Ben than on the tour. Big Ben is actually not the building, but the huge bell inside the building!

At this point, I noticed how sore my legs were probably due to malnutrition and dehydration. I’ve not been enjoying well-balanced meals at all, and most of my beverages have consisted of tea and alcohol. The alumni with us keeps reminding us that nothing counts when we’re on vacation, so eat, drink, and buy whatever you want! It’s terrible advice but it’s kind of what I’m using to reaffirm my poor decisions haha

Some people in my group wanted to go to Platform 9 3/4 from Harry Potter, so we went to Kings Cross. We ate at some British hipster place and I noticed that English people say certain vegetables differently than Americans do. Aubergine is the English way to say eggplant and courgettes is the English way to say zucchini.

Well, I got drunk before dinner even came out. It was embarrassing because everyone else seemed fine and they drank as much as I did! Everyone is older than me though so maybe they’re more tolerant than I am..or maybe they were hiding their drunkenness too.

After dinner, half the group went to wait in line to take a photo at the 9 3/4 thing. They have a carriage, wand, and scarf to make it appear as though you are going into the wall to access the platform, like in Harry Potter. It was pretty cool but I didn’t want to wait in line, I wanted to get drunk! So the other half and I went to a pub called Britannia in Kensington. We went to it on our pub crawl the night before. I didn’t notice until I had to navigate London myself that there are no street signs on poles! All the street signs are on the sides of buildings, which makes no sense because you can’t see them well if you’re driving! We could hardly see them when we were walking, and that wasn’t because we were drunk.
At this pub, I had two glasses of wine, making it five glasses total for one night. I think that means I drank about a whole bottle myself? It sounds pretty gross when I think about it…

The rest of the group showed up later and we bonded. It was super nice because I felt a little in-limbo with the group. I take a little while to feel comfortable with people and it was a little intimidating because half of the people knew each other before the trip…but tonight at the pub, I bonded with some people and it was nice. Two of them are also half Latina, which was cool! And they live and work near my university so although one graduated and the other one doesn’t go to my university, we can probably hang out when we are back in the states!

Here are me and my Latina pals 🙂

Apparently, I thought it was not enough that I basically drank a bottle of wine myself because then at the hotel bar, I got a cider with a shot of something…I’m not sure what it was but the bartender added it because he knew I wanted a strong drink. I was quite lit.

We ran into some other people in our group and we hung out with them for awhile. Then I turned in at 1am. My roommate got back from a date around then (she met some English person at a bar and he asked her on a date and she went like whoa wow) so we ended up talking until like 2am. We hadn’t talked like at all before so it was nice to bond with her too, although I was only able to sleep like 4 hours as a result 😦

I mean..what do I expect though? I knew this was going to be a sleepless trip. I’ll probably need a vacation after this!

xo Vic