“I’m not just taking trips down memory lane; I’m broken down on it.”
-Pete Wentz, Gray
Ever since I posted my most recent blog, I’ve been reflecting a ton on my past. I read through nearly every post on here, which is around 400 posts, and I’ve been going through old photos…I usually wouldn’t think too much of it but all this reflecting has been keeping me up at night. So…I just wanted to comment on what I’ve been thinking about.
I’ve been thinking about coming out again which caused me to reflect on my journey that led up to it as well as what transpired after I came out the first time. (Speaking of which, I wrote this interesting creative piece with an analysis about it for a class last fall. I will share it here eventually). I’ve been thinking about my previous relationship, friendships…and how my relationship with people that are still in my life, family included, have changed. I’ve been thinking about my senior year in high school, how I want my senior year in undergrad to go, and about what I want to do after I graduate.
None of these things are bad thoughts…but it’s a lot of thinking and it’s impacting my focus on the responsibilities that I have now and how I feel throughout the day. I’m worried, anxious, I brood…I’ve had enough. Especially because these thoughts keep me up until 3am and I can’t continue to have these sleepless nights.
Anyway…I hope by tonight or tomorrow I will be able to resume my life in the present…no more trips down memory lane for me.
Also, a good update: my stitches are out and the lab results are fine! I have another doctor’s appointment tomorrow at a new place because the current office I’ve been going to has an awful environment. I’ve only spoken to the people at the new place on the phone but they’re already significantly more pleasant!
Which reminds me of a theme that is apparent in my writing that I’ve noticed since I’ve been rereading it all: don’t accept where you are if you are unhappy. Right now, after this brutal semester, I feel pretty happy. I’ve been productive, social, and working on myself. I’m a little stressed about what’s to come, but I don’t want to focus too much on that anyway. I want to focus more on the present…take it day by day.