Raw Write

I’m hurting a lot.

The family that I feel I had last year…my support group…well it doesn’t exist anymore. At least it doesn’t feel like it.

My ex doesn’t even wanna be friends, my best friend rarely acknowledges my texts…all my other close friends are in different states far away and I feel alone because I haven’t established another solid support group.

I have friends, but I feel weird talking about things that are actually bothering me with them. I can talk to my RA about things that are bothering me, but I can’t really be friends with her because she’s my RA.

I feel alone…scared…and rejected.

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Cloud 9

On Thursday morning, April 3rd, at an ungodly hour (perhaps 2am), I told her I loved her.

She had been wanting me to speak to her in Spanish for forever, and I was always reluctant to do so because speaking in Spanish makes me uncomfortable but I thought because I have been wanting to tell her that I love her it would be cute to say it in Spanish.

I wasn’t planning to say it on Wednesday night when she FaceTimed me and we talked until we passed out on Thursday morning but I just…had to.  It took a long time to say it too because I felt so nervous…what if she didn’t love me back??

But then considering how she had been calling me “her love” for the past month or so and then how she had sent me this text when I showed her some of my writing…

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Kiss Me Again

My girlfriend and I had our first date as girlfriends last Friday, March 14th.  We were supposed to have that date on March 7th, but instead I spent that day with her and a bunch of our friends.  March 6th was the day that I had been yelled at for dating her…I didn’t sleep much that night.  My girlfriend stayed up with me and texted me, trying to console me.  She’s been amazing and patient.

Anyway, last Friday we went on our date.  I told my parents I was hanging out with my best friend.  In reality, Janice* took me to an Italian restaurant but the restaurant side was closed so we just got pizza and we ran into all of her old teachers and my current accounting teacher there.  Then she took me to her house, I briefly met her dad then was led to her room.  She shares a room with her twin sister.

There was nowhere to sit except for the bed, so I opted for the floor, suddenly feeling very nervous.  I hadn’t been alone with my girlfriend for more than two hours for the past month…and the last time we hung out alone for more than two hours, we weren’t officially girlfriends.  As of that Friday, we have been girlfriends for two weeks and a day.

Janice teased me for looking so uncomfortable, especially when she deemed it a good idea to change her shirt randomly.  I looked at the wall, my throat constricting.  Then we decided to put on Perks of Being A Wallflower.  I had lent her the book awhile ago and she had just finished it, so we were going to watch the movie.  She suggested I sit on her bed so I nervously took off my shoes and flopped myself down on her tiny twin-size bed.

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Acceptance

This is a reflective essay I wrote for my English class. Thought I should post it on my blog…

Growing up as a Christian has drastically influenced my self-discovery and self-acceptance process. Up until freshman year, I attended church every Sunday, was involved in four youth groups, attended the VBS programs and when I was too old to attend, I volunteered at them. My first concert was even at a church featuring a famous Christian band. I loved the morals and values that Christianity upholds and I also loved the Christian community. However, I never felt as if I truly belonged in it. The conflicts that I felt within myself caused me to feel miserable and disconnected to God. Christianity did little to offer support and acceptance for what I was feeling; in fact, Christianity led me to hate myself.

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Monday

Why am I looking at the Facebook of a dead girl?

I ignore my mind and continue perusing through her photos and her statuses.  Photos of her in Manhattan with Phantom of the Opera posters, statuses of her latest relationships and of her nearing fourteenth birthday party…

Guys, I have a confession: I’m bi.

I close my eyes as the scene plays behind my eyelids.  The images are a little dark and blurry, but I am still able to make out all their faces.

“You’re what?” I asked, intrigued.

“I like girls and I like boys,” she explained.

“You like-like girls?” my friend Jess asked to clarify.

She nodded her head and smiled.  I made a face.  “I don’t believe you,” I said.

“My first kiss was with a girl,” she recalled.

I laid my head back against the wall, mulling over her declaration and envying her for having had her first kiss already.

“Do you guys believe in ghosts?” she asked, changing the topic.

I shook my head ‘no’ as she pulled out the Weird NJ book.

“I see my grandfather sometimes.” She began to flip through the pages of the book.  “It’s freaky.  Okay, here.  I like this story…”

I opened my eyes and looked back at the computer screen, frowning.  Her face was scowling back at me.

I wish I could have…

I shook my head, unwilling myself to regret.  There was no point, it was too late.  I had made my decisions many years ago, and now I had to deal with them.  Besides, I shouldn’t be pitying the deceased, I should be honoring them.

After staring into her pixelated, brown eyes for a minute, I sighed and logged out of Facebook.

Peanuts and Chocolate

Hello, everyone, hope you all are doing well and you have been having a good new year so far.

My new year has been pretty incredible. I came out to some of my friends and my sister, I found out that the girl that I have been crushing on likes me back (we’ve been talking nonstop for almost three weeks now, it’s been established that we like each other…) and…oh yeah! I went on a date with her! Yesterday, January 20, I had my first official date with anyone, and my first date with her…it was amazing. I’m still in shock that she likes me back, that she has liked me since I started working in July, that we went on a date and that she had a nice time and wants to see me again, that most of her friends know about me and her best friend wants to meet me…it’s all crazy exciting and overwhelming.

Anyway…I have intended to write everyday in 2014, but that didn’t happen once I started talking to her. I was too happy to write, or too…I just couldn’t write.

But I do want to catalog (mostly for me) all that happened between me and her for the past two weeks so…I transferred the texts I sent to my cousin about all my problems/concerns/events onto here because I don’t feel like typing it all again lol. The following texts are only my half of the textversation (texting conversation).

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Crashing and Burning

I’m so fucked.  So, so incredibly fucked.

It was Sunday night.  I made the boss I have huge crush on a mix CD after we had talked at work about bands that we liked…then I texted her asking if she was going to be at work on Tuesday morning because I was planning on going to my job to eat with a friend, and I wanted to give my boss the album.

Ever since that night I texted her, we have been talking…non-stop.  Like…long messages.   Continue reading “Crashing and Burning”