Saturday Repost from Fall 2012
“I’m reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower right now and a lot of it is really hitting home for me…it’s kinda scary.
This time last year, I was losing myself, I was depressed, and I didn’t care. As long as my grades looked okay, everything was okay with me…I hung out with the wrong crowd…But then it hit me: Why am I doing this? I’m miserable. I lost a lot of my friends. My “new friends” are shitty friends. They’re not even friends. They don’t talk to me unless I’m doing something stupid with them.
Then came the summer, I started putting my life back together.
Continue reading “Putting My Life Back Together”
After a couple years of deliberation, I’ve finally decided where I want my tattoo.
First let me tell y’all the story behind my tattoo…I wrote this at some point in 2012 or 2013:
Continue reading “My Future Tattoo”
I think this is one of the longest periods I’ve gone without writing since I got into online writing forums about four years ago. I haven’t been too busy to write, nor have I not known what to write…the truth is, I have been causing myself unnecessary mental suffering and not until more recently, I’ve mostly overcome it through the aid of counseling, exercise, and meditation. This first year in college has challenged me academically as well as personally. The hardest part of college has been navigating the personal development and growth, including the experiences that occurred before college, which continues to affect me. The last three weeks have proved to me that I am, and will continue to be, okay. Actually, I will be great.
Last night really proved it to me…
Continue reading “Finally Re-Unzipping My Lips: Friendships”
I have one more week of winter break and then I’m back to school, and I honestly can’t wait. I’m excited to start the spring semester and experience all that college has to offer both academically and socially for me. I feel so different already after one semester, some people that I haven’t seen since I went to college noted how I’ve changed a bit and I can’t wait to change even more. I’ve been feeling so positive and upbeat lately, it’s so refreshing after having been bogged down by a ton of bullshit during my first semester. Lately, through the advice of my best friend, I’ve just been letting bad thoughts go rather than dwelling on them…and doing that was much easier than I thought.
This semester is going to be a little harder than last semester but I know I’m going to get through it because I’ve proven to myself time and time again that I can do anything. I just need to try.
Anyway, I plan on going back to writing more once my break ends but for now I just want to relax. I hope everything is going well for everyone!
I want to keep putting myself out there and see where it leads. I want to push my limits and take more risks. Do what makes me nervous. I don’t want to settle. I want to change the world and change myself. I want to make more friends, more lasting connections…I want to have a deep connection with someone. I want to be grateful and thankful everyday for all that I have been blessed with and I want people to know that I appreciate them. I want to feel beautiful. I want to expand my mind and become more independent. I want to be happy…but I don’t want my happiness to be reliant on others. I want to be careful with the people that I let into my life. I want to SPEAK UP. I want to have opinions and share them, no more shying away. I want to listen and get to know people. Listen to their stories. I want to knit and write letters. I want to try to get closer to my sister. I want to leave lasting, good impressions…but if they don’t like me it’s not a reflection of myself. I don’t want to need to be liked by everyone. I don’t want unnecessary stress. I want to be like Taylor Swift and Demi Lovato and other strong women in my life and in the world that challenge me to be better and do better. I want to travel. I want to have faith in myself and my abilities but realize it’s okay to have doubts as long as they don’t hinder me from trying. I want to reach out to my mom and dad for support because they love me. I want to have other people to rely on for support or at least advice or a shoulder. I want to follow my heart. I always want to do my best, and my best is good enough. I want to create memories with friends and get involved in clubs and events on campus. I want to be fearless. I want to make myself feel beautiful and love myself more than anyone else. I want to value myself. I want to be honest with myself. I want to be my own best friend. I want to be smart with money but not stingy. I want to be compassionate and caring. I want to love. I want to dance and drink with friends. I want to dress the part. I want to smile and laugh and get out of bed. I want to wipe away my tears with dignity. I am proud of myself and how far I’ve come. I want to allow myself to change and grow without judgment. I want to forgive and move forward. I want to trust that “everything happens for a reason.” I want to be honest and open with my feelings and thoughts. I want to be considerate. If there are doubts, heed them. I want to get physically stronger and increase my agility. I don’t want to “just get by,” I want to live to the fullest and positively reflect on everything. I want 2015 to be the best year yet because I am in control of my life.
“If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.” -Mo Willems
I should’ve left that story sooner, but I didn’t. In my desperation to make things work, I hindered the natural development of multiple stories, ultimately hurting myself. But it wasn’t always painful. Being part of another story gave me a sense of (false) belonging I had lacked for the longest time as well as joyous memories…so I went through with torturously penning myself into the narration. I had convinced myself that the thrills of being part of that story were greater than the pains I suffered. I was wrong.
I don’t want to regret the events of 2014 because it has contained some of my favorite memories…but it also contains some of the worst. Maybe 2014 will be reflected on as a HUGE learning curve for me…as a year of life lessons. I don’t want 2015 to be the same way though…I don’t want to be in the wrong story again.
The last few days have been difficult because I was finally letting go of the story I clearly didn’t belong in and I thought I was losing some main characters in my own story too, but after some time and apologies, everything is okay. I hope everything is okay. It’s a little scary realizing how few characters I have in my story now that my story stands alone…meeting people I have good and true connections with is something I want to improve in 2015, in addition to who I am.
Thank you to anyone that commented kind things on my last post. I’m always around for anyone in need of a buddy as well.
I want to remember that I spent today smiling. I’ve been spending a lot of days smiling, actually. Smiling, laughing, and hugging. Although college is stressful sometimes, I’ve come a long way from feeling lost, scared, and alone. I’m happy now…I’m making great memories. I’m finding my way and I feel passionate and determined to excel and achieve my goals. I want to make new goals and dreams. I finished the dreaded freshman expository writing class with an A! I got an externship for spring break and I’m currently being considered for an internship for the entire spring semester where I may get college credit for it! People are impressed by me and I’m meeting so many people that inspire and challenge me to be even better than I am. I’m meeting new people everyday. I have great role models, connections, and support. I’m surrounded by love. I spent today smiling, laughing, and hugging…I’m done crying. I’m a different person than when I first came here, and I’m going to keep changing and growing to be better.