Not a Hollow Halloweekend

Since the fallout with my friend, I’ve been waiting to feel crappy about it, but I haven’t.   Granted, I was very upset for about a week and I had nightmares, but that was it.  I think about her once in awhile, mostly when I’m drinking, but that will diminish over time.

Perhaps I haven’t been so devasted because I subconsciously saw it coming.  We hadn’t talked much in last few months, the love I had for her was too intense to last, and/or the conflict of interest there was due to her relationship with her best friend…but at the same time, I didn’t think these things would result in the finiteness of our friendship.  I believed that if anything, we just wouldn’t be as close, which was okay with me.  Instead, however, we don’t talk at all.  She hasn’t reached out to me nor has she responded to my texts, even the ones where I was clearly upset.  It’s reminiscent of how my ex iced me out over two years ago now.

It may also be because I’ve been busy with school, my other friends, and that I have other more pressing concerns.

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Almost Three Years Later

Yesterday (11 Oct) was National Coming Out Day, which caused me to think about my late cousin.  She was the first family member I came out to and the second person I told overall, and she insisted my parents would still love me if I was able to fall in love with women.  I miss her every day.  She was so easy to talk to and never judged me for whatever crazy shenanigans I was getting myself into.

Anywho, I didn’t write anything new to celebrate National Coming Out Day, but I attached the link to the post that includes the texts I sent to my cousin about my sexuality here.  Unfortunately, I didn’t include her responses…I’m sure I have them on my old phone or laptop, but I don’t have those items with me now.

For other “coming out” posts, you can just search that phrase on my website.  There is a variety of poetry, stories, and blogs about my journey, which has been difficult and long…it doesn’t feel over either.  Since the relationship that spurred me to come out in the first place ended two years ago now (wow, time flies), and since I’ve moved out of the house for most months of the year due to university, I sometimes feel like my sexuality has been…erased.

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Greyness

Of course, he had decided to take the highway.  There was no traffic on the highway, so there was no stopping.  He must’ve known that if there was an opportunity to jump out of the car, I would’ve taken it.

I slumped down further in the passenger seat, my arms crossed over my body protectively as his words sliced through my skin.  He said we were having this conversation because he loves me, but I wasn’t feeling loved at all.  It wasn’t even a conversation; it was a lecture.  A lecture about me.  About what’s wrong with me.

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Full Circle?

My best friend at college, Tatiana,* is amazing.  She understands that I don’t want to hang out with the guy I mentioned in my previous post. He usually texts me but he’s stopped because he’s fucking other women, which proves he was only talking to me because I was willing to hook up with him. We were never friends, and we’re not friends now.

Anywho, she understands how I feel about him, and she knows how I want to connect more with her boyfriend because he’s super cool, so she brought us all together to go out to eat dinner and then party.  I had so much fun, I got super drunk.  We all took our shirts off and we were dancing on each other and it was just a ton of fun.  I ended up going home with them because I was too drunk to navigate my way back home.  Tatiana passed out and her boyfriend and I talked about the guy that they’re both best friends with and that has only made me feel like garbage, because he wanted to know what was going on.  It was a great conversation, despite both of us being super drunk.  Having that conversation caused me to want to do some snooping on my ex.  My drunken logic was if she could treat me poorly and find love, then there is hope for me too, although it’s taking a hella long time for someone to come around.

The next day, Tatiana came home with me for spring break.  She only spent Friday night at my house before flying back home to California.  We went out to eat dinner because she’s vegetarian and I didn’t tell my mom, so my mom was ill prepared to feed her.  My old job has very good black bean burgers, so we went there.  I hadn’t been there in about eight months or so.  The last time I worked there, only two people from the “original squad” were still working there, so I didn’t think I would see anyone I knew.  Well, I was mistaken because the first person I saw when my friend and I strolled in was my ex. She was taking orders at the register.

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Woo Me

I ran into one of the friends that had said they were coming to my birthday bash but never showed up, at the dining hall.  She apologized..apparently her pre-party nap caused her to sleep through the whole party.  We ate breakfast together and chatted, it was really nice.

I had met her at a party about a month ago because she was friends with a girl who was friends with my friend.  I liked her instantly and got her number, but I did not anticipate using it.  I didn’t think I was going to see her again and when I’m drunk, I tend to collect the phone numbers of people I talk to for at least a minute, and I don’t usually contact them again.

But then I saw her again at another party and we talked the whole night.  She’s super attractive and has a sexy voice so when she informed me that she just had a nasty breakup with her boyfriend and that she’s bi, I wanted to be the one to make her forget all about him.

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Why Can’t We Be Friends?

I feel like “friends” is the biggest topic I talk about with my friends. Isn’t that ironic? Well, it seems like many of my friends, including myself, struggle when it comes to friends for a variety of reasons. As of this past academic year (September 2014-May 2015), I’ve mostly been struggling with determining who my “true friends” are and finding people that I truly connect with. It hasn’t been until this summer, thanks to my current internship, that I’ve begun to figure some of my shit out.

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The Lituation

My friend from work had a party at her house on Saturday night.  I got there super early at 7pm with my friend that I wrote about awhile ago…he was supposed to crash at my house a couple weeks back.

Anyway, we got there early because my mom wouldn’t let me go to my university at 10pm, which was around the time the party started.  So while we waited for the party to start, I made some paper flowers, which were part of my homework.  I also helped the host make juice and add songs to the playlist.  Then I went with her on an alcohol run and she got me vodka.

We started drinking the juice around 8:30pm while we chilled out.  It was nice just talking to her, her roommate, and my friend.  When people started to arrive, we moved the party into the basement to play pong and dance.

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