Almost Three Years Later

Yesterday (11 Oct) was National Coming Out Day, which caused me to think about my late cousin.  She was the first family member I came out to and the second person I told overall, and she insisted my parents would still love me if I was able to fall in love with women.  I miss her every day.  She was so easy to talk to and never judged me for whatever crazy shenanigans I was getting myself into.

Anywho, I didn’t write anything new to celebrate National Coming Out Day, but I attached the link to the post that includes the texts I sent to my cousin about my sexuality here.  Unfortunately, I didn’t include her responses…I’m sure I have them on my old phone or laptop, but I don’t have those items with me now.

For other “coming out” posts, you can just search that phrase on my website.  There is a variety of poetry, stories, and blogs about my journey, which has been difficult and long…it doesn’t feel over either.  Since the relationship that spurred me to come out in the first place ended two years ago now (wow, time flies), and since I’ve moved out of the house for most months of the year due to university, I sometimes feel like my sexuality has been…erased.

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Staying Gold

The last couple weeks of the semester has caused me to feel glum due to stress over my academics as well as my social life. To sum it up: I am in the middle. The in-between. The grey area.

Every aspect of my life seems to fit that description. My sexuality and race/ethnicity, as noted in this post, my affiliated religion (I don’t identify as anything, I just don’t think about it), my majors (WGS and Economics)..I can’t seem to ever fall into one, absolute category. Perhaps it’s because I’m going and I’m still discovering myself and the world or perhaps it’s a false pretense that people can ever fall into one category. Regardless, this thought also applies to my friends.

I don’t have a clique or group of friends. Every time I think I do, I get proven wrong. It’s exhausting, hurtful, and lonely. I was complaining to my good friend, Steph, about it and she told me it was okay to be an outsider in the sense I don’t belong anywhere, I just have random friends here and there. She said I have years to figure out the friends I want to be making and who stays in my life too. She’s right but..I think the nature of college is extremely lonely without a group. Without a group, you tend to get left out and excluded. At least that’s been my experience. If I commuted, for example, I probably wouldn’t care at all about lacking a social circle.

Anyway..I’m writing because despite how much I feel like an outsider, a misfit, a loner, or whatever it may be, I’ve done some pretty badass things. Perhaps I wouldn’t have done them if I didn’t feel so alone.

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Greyness

Of course, he had decided to take the highway.  There was no traffic on the highway, so there was no stopping.  He must’ve known that if there was an opportunity to jump out of the car, I would’ve taken it.

I slumped down further in the passenger seat, my arms crossed over my body protectively as his words sliced through my skin.  He said we were having this conversation because he loves me, but I wasn’t feeling loved at all.  It wasn’t even a conversation; it was a lecture.  A lecture about me.  About what’s wrong with me.

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The Lituation

My friend from work had a party at her house on Saturday night.  I got there super early at 7pm with my friend that I wrote about awhile ago…he was supposed to crash at my house a couple weeks back.

Anyway, we got there early because my mom wouldn’t let me go to my university at 10pm, which was around the time the party started.  So while we waited for the party to start, I made some paper flowers, which were part of my homework.  I also helped the host make juice and add songs to the playlist.  Then I went with her on an alcohol run and she got me vodka.

We started drinking the juice around 8:30pm while we chilled out.  It was nice just talking to her, her roommate, and my friend.  When people started to arrive, we moved the party into the basement to play pong and dance.

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Losing My Shit

Over a year ago, I dealt with a very traumatizing situation as a result of wanting to date someone my parents disapproved of. Since that time, my family and I have not discussed nor acknowledged nor accepted my sexuality. Everything is great in my family as long as I suppress who I am.

Yesterday, I had a very triggering encounter with my mom that was very reminiscent of last year’s traumatizing experience though.

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Poem about My Rights

I apologize but the next publication of my short series, Love Bites, will be postponed to tomorrow at 11am. If you haven’t read the first publication, please click here!

My weekend has been pretty hectic with my internship beginning and all. Plus, I’ve had a ton of homework. One of my assignments is to read this poem, which I am absolutely in love with, so I thought I would share it. The video is June Jordan reading her poem, and I included the transcript of her poem below. Please enjoy this and share your thoughts!

x Vic Continue reading “Poem about My Rights”