Fuck Me Gently with a Chainsaw

I need to work on my confidence. Since my senior year began, it has become more apparent that this is a quality I need to improve. I undermine my capabilities and knowledge, which incites others to do the same. It also leads to me having weak job candidacy and poor interviews.

I feel like my job, which I love, has been contributing significantly to my mood lately cuz it’s been very stressful. We have a new staff and I feel like one new girl is undermining what I’m doing and I’ve been doing this for three years..but yeah it’s hard to rise above things. I feel like I haven’t had to do that in a professional setting before. It’s good practice cuz when it’s my career job, it’s more intense.

But yeah…I’ve been feeling indigo and hard on myself. People have been weird with me too and it’s been affecting my productivity, which is intolerable. I don’t have that kind of time to waste, I’m very busy so I must write it out when things come up so I can release my feelings and move on with my day.

After talking and venting to my girlfriend for a couple of hours yesterday, and then after calling my dad this morning, I feel better. I have support and good advice from people that care about me in my life.

Continue reading “Fuck Me Gently with a Chainsaw”

“Can I borrow someone’s laptop?”

My girlfriend is sleeping on my lap as I write this.  I thought that was a cute detail, she’s like a cat.

Anyway, I’m writing because my stress spiked as it typically does when the night is getting later and later and I feel like I have a ton of work to do still.  The reality is, I’m okay.  I’m not super behind in my classes, except for maybe one or two but…I’m okay.  I’m just very high-strung.

Three weeks in and I’ve already been crying and having meltdowns.  Senior year has been so, so stressful, especially since I’ve been preparing for what’s next after college.  It’s such a daunting reality I have to face.  I mean yeah, it’s exciting to experience life without school, because I’ve never experienced that before.  However, I don’t think working full-time is better than being in school.  Then again, in some ways it is.  It’d be cool to be able to support myself and to live my life as an independent woman.

So yeah..I’m stressed.  I feel like I’m behind.  I feel like some professors have been wasting my time by being late to class, for wasting the class period on bullshit. and for being overall rude and unprofessional.  One of my professors has had to borrow a student’s laptop two classes in a row and he is so hypocritical, he holds us to a higher standard than to what he holds himself to.  He wears shorts to class!  Plus he’s always late too like…it’s so unimpressive.

One of my biggest stressors is regarding my thesis class.  It’s week four now and I still don’t have an advisor but I’m doing the best I can.  My professor was adamant about writing to get out any subconscious thoughts so that we can focus on our writing…so that’s what I’m trying to do now.

I just need to plan more realistically…to break things into smaller, more feasible tasks and to procrastinate less.  I haven’t been procrastinating as much as I used to, which is great.  I think there’s been an improvement since my depression and grief have lightened.  However, I get very tired and because I’m unrealistic with my expectations for the day, I stress myself out when I don’t do everything I want to.  I need to consider taking breaks so I don’t burn out by 5pm.

There’s so much creative stuff I want to post on here!  I have a list of stuff to post so I’ll be posting it soon.

Hope y’all are well!

xx Vic

laborious thoughts

what 

is life after college?

 

creation of visual art

creating your own brand

and poetry

that represents deeper issues and meanings

of the universe

while

you travel aimlessly

to create

to survive

to find your own purpose

on this grand, fucked up-

beautiful globe

do you turn to spiritual practices

to see more clearly

the beauty of the mess?

 

or

 

is it about

working nine to five

FULL TIME FULL TIME FULL TIME

MEDICAL BENEFITS

COMPETITIVE SALARIES

R E T I R E M E N T plans

so you can move out

of your small, carpeted childhood bedroom

and into a larger one

with hardwood floors

that you share with someone that looks at you

with stars in their eyes?

 

are there alternatives? what are they?

 

what do i want?

 

© 2017 Vic Romero

 

More Lavender and Tea Tree Oil, Please

Happy September 1st!

Jeez, I can’t believe it’s already September though.  My senior year officially begins on Tuesday, which has caused my anxiety to spike tremendously once again.  Unfortunately, my anxiety triggers cold sores on my lips at least once every season…they’re super painful and because tea tree oil is the only effective remedy to treat them, (tea tree oil, if used as frequently as possible throughout the day, tends to prevent cold sores from going through the whole two-week healing process and reduces it to a week or if you’re lucky to catch it early enough, a mere couple of days), my lips become super dry.  Every year, I feel like I get them more and more easily, which is frustrating.  I used to get them only if I didn’t sleep but now I get them whenever I go from calm to hella anxious and worried.  Anyway….

Yes, I’m anxious because of school.  I’m also anxious because I just came back from the dermatologist…I got a biopsy and now I have to go back in three months.  My mom is currently at the doctor for her cancer…health issues are incredibly anxiety-inducing.

Additionally, it’ll be one year since my cousin passed in two days.  I always think about her, but over the last couple of weeks, I have been thinking about her more frequently and I have been wanting to talk to her more than I usually do.  Her parents planted a tree for her in the city where she was killed yesterday…I wish they had told us about that because I would’ve liked to go.  It must’ve been a nice ceremony.

Continue reading “More Lavender and Tea Tree Oil, Please”

Finally

I was ready this time.

I squatted with my back against the empty pickle barrels, tightly grasping the pistol, waiting. My hands were clammy and shaking, and I tried taking deep breaths to calm myself down. I didn’t want to miss again, not when I only had one bullet left.

I heard some loud footsteps nearby, presumably the graceless footsteps of the enemy. I leaned out from behind the barrel to get a better look, and sure enough, there she was. She was looking around the dim basement, her expression was frustrated.

Continue reading “Finally”

August…

I just returned from my family vacation to Europe, and it was a wonderful time.  We went to Barcelona, Paris, and London.  It was for two weeks, so pretty much the entirety of August thus far.  I was nervous about going on a vacation that was so long and being isolated to with my family the entire time, but it ended up going really well: I didn’t confront any conflict with my family and although traveling had its ups and downs, overall, it was a nice vacation and I got to explore and see different things.

I prepared a lot for any emotional challenges I might face during my travels.  I brought lavender oil with me, my Kindle, my journal, different colored pens, PlayDough, chocolate, and all of the DBT packets from my therapy group this summer.  I didn’t use all of these tools during my trip, but when I did need something, they were very helpful.  I tended to use the lavender oil and my Kindle the most.  I journaled twice with my colorful pens.

Anyway…so I’m back to working my super-flexible job and I’m starting to plan how to plan for the rest of the summer and for my second to last semester.

Second to last semester!  It’s so incredibly crazy…I’m going to be graduating in May.

Continue reading “August…”

July…

In this month, I’ve come out to my parents a second time, my parents met my girlfriend, and I also got into my first fight with my girlfriend.

By “coming out” a second time, I just told my parents that I had a girlfriend.  My dad handled it better than my mom…not that my mom handled it terribly this time though.  My mom basically worried about my safety and my future, meanwhile my dad focused more on the fact that I can tell him anything and that he loves me.

Continue reading “July…”